The Older I Get

Happy New Year! Since I managed to go all of 2024 without writing a post, we have quite a bit of catching up to do, friends! Last year I didn’t make writing a priority as I should have. It didn’t help that by the time the house was finally quiet at the end of a long day, all I wanted was to zone out on the couch and watch Everybody Loves Raymond reruns or scroll social media to see how everyone else was riding the roller coaster of life. However, I have resolved to do better this year. While I already know that I won’t consistently hold myself accountable for diet and exercise, I do believe that I can be disciplined enough to get back to writing, and I’ve made the decision to limit my social media presence this year which hindered me in 2024. So here’s to getting back to processing through the good, bad, and ugly…with the fervent hope that good prevails.

This first post of 2025 will recap the past year along with some picture collages and nothing much else, so if you’ve been following me on social media, it may be redundant. It won’t hurt my feelings if you skip this one, but please stay tuned as I endeavor this year to share how I find joy in the midst of sorrow now that it has been 7.5 years without my sweet Carter. My prayer is that you’ll be encouraged and hopeful that regardless of what’s in store for us, we can trust that the sovereign hand of God is at work and He does all things well and in His perfect timing.

January 2024: This was a pretty smooth and uneventful month. Carlen dressed as a little old lady for her 100th day of school in 4K, and Caroline got a kitten that she named Sketch. I started second semester of the school year by teaching a new course called Educational Psychology along with Spanish 1 classes, and Joseph excelled in his recent promotion to plant manager at work. We were off to a good start!

The only sad event occurred when we learned that Carter’s beloved dog, JoJo, had passed away. We had to rehome her in 2019 (we got her as a puppy in 2012 for Carter’s 8th birthday) after she nipped at Carlen and drew blood around her eye as she was crawling and startled the dog. JoJo went to special friends of ours who gave her the best life she could have ever had- we are forever thankful to them for loving her so well. Joseph called me at work to break the sad news and was embarrassed that he had gotten upset upon learning she had crossed the Rainbow Bridge. I got choked up, too, and I told him that losing Carter’s pet hurt because he had loved her so, and we loved him. Isn’t there a math equation that applies to explain that reasoning… the transitive property or something? My algebra-loving friends might know what I’m talking about or I may just be stupid. Math was never my strong point.

February: Joseph surprised me the week before Valentine’s Day by purchasing a Louis Vuitton purse and matching wallet. He wanted it to be a “just because” gift- he knew I wanted one but would never buy it for myself. The little personalized card which accompanied it was just as special as the gift itself.

We took the littles to see a “circus” at the Bon Secours Wellness Area, and to our disappointment realized that a circus nowadays is basically just a bunch of acrobats. Gone are the animals we were accustomed to watching and the amazing tricks they would perform. Carter was a fanatic for anything circus or clown related, so it was a true bummer. What was a disappointing circus outing quickly changed into something remarkable later on that month for Carter’s 19th birthday.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m an advisor for the Hope Squad at my school, a suicide awareness and prevention group that meets weekly and is near and dear to my heart. Each year the squad is responsible for putting on Hope Week for the entire high school with designated activities planned each day. Carter’s birthday fell on one of the days of Hope Week, and it was also the birthday of a student at the school whose life was tragically cut short a few years after we lost Carter. Ethan Rubenzer was on his way to school with his mom when a driver heavily under the influence plowed through an intersection and struck their vehicle. His mom survived the collision, and she and I have been in contact through the years as he and Carter shared a birthday. Ethan passed just a week before his 12th birthday in 2019 when Carter would have celebrated his 14th. For Hope Week students wanted to honor Ethan who would have been a junior last year by doing an act of kindness. Hang on….the story gets SO good. It’s just taking me a moment to lay the groundwork.

Ethan spent many hours as a young fella and Boy Scout volunteering with the Humane Society. Our Hope Squad decided to partner with another club to make dog toys and collect dog food and treats. They also raised money to donate by offering a dress day where students paid $1 to wear pink (Ethan’s favorite color). This was an easy fundraiser since students normally are limited in their attire as our school adheres to a uniform dress code policy. A Humane Society representative came to the school to collect the check and speak at our weekly Hope Squad meeting. What a treat that she also brought an adorable puppy! I texted Joseph from school that afternoon and asked if we could adopt her, and without hesitation he said, “yes”. I felt like Carter would be ecstatic, and it was a perfect act of kindness for both boys in their memory to rescue an animal that would have been dear to their hearts. The timing was just right! Carsen’s little face when we told him that we were adopting the puppy while at the Humane Society later that afternoon is one of my favorite pics of 2024. While the kids wanted to name her “Licker” (rhyming with liquor) because she licked them so much, we convinced them that Maple was a better choice, lol, as she was light brown with a November birthday.

The next day was Ethan and Carter’s birthday, and the Hope Squad planned to coordinate a balloon release at the end of the school day and allow students who knew Ethan to gather out front and share stories and eat pink cupcakes. Here’s where the story became a major “God wink.” Students released pink balloons a little after 3:00 PM. Our house is about 6 miles from the school, and it was a windy day. I had taken a personal day to be at home, since it’s too hard for me to put on my teacher hat on Carter’s special day. He’s not here, but he’s still here, you know? I still want to honor him. I still want to speak his name. I want to sit in my grief and love on him the best way I can which is to soak up memories and thank God for the 12 years I had with him. I can’t really do that while trying to teach teenagers how to conjugate verbs. So long story short, I was at home. We did our own balloon release at the cemetery where Carter rests about 100 yards from our house. As we released 19 red and white balloons in his memory, much to our amazement we noticed that circling in the sky around those very balloons were PINK ones. What were the chances that anyone else would be doing a balloon release in our neighborhood as well? It took a second for us to realize that they weren’t regular balloons- these were the ones from Ethan’s memorial celebration at school that had drifted over! I immediately pulled out my phone and tried to capture it so I could send it to Ethan’s mom. While they were no longer visible by that point, I told her that our boys had found a way to get together on their birthday to show us a tangible sign. That event was just jaw-dropping for me. I still can’t believe we got to witness it as the timing had to be just right with less than a minute of visibility with both sets of balloons in the sky, yet I CAN believe it because that’s just how loving our Heavenly Father is. He knows exactly what our hurting hearts long for, and there are just times when something tangible is needed to get us through a difficult or bittersweet milestone day.

The next week I was honored to be named the high school Teacher of the Year. What a highlight of my career and a testament to God’s faithfulness! When Carter died I never thought I would be able to keep on teaching, yet I was back in the classroom less than a month afterwards. When I took a break to be a SAHM in 2019 after having Carlen, I didn’t think I could ever return and find joy in my former calling. “Stick a fork in me,” I thought. “I’m DONE.” Yet, in a new school environment I found that I could still teach and love it, that I could still form meaningful relationships with my students, and that the distraction of teaching teenagers and spinning plates all day was much needed to keep my mind busy and my body moving.

One of my fondest memories with Carter was him standing beside me before walking across a football field to be named the Teacher of the Year for Dorman High School, the second-largest high school in our state, back in 2015. After enduring such heartache and sorrow with his passing in 2017, I got the honor to be recognized by my peers once again in 2024. It was truly surreal. Caroline was still proud and standing beside me with the addition of two precious littles and Joseph who had recently begun a weight loss journey and would go on to lose 70 pounds that year. I treasure both of those days with my family. What a full circle moment!

March: This month had me busily preparing to interview to represent my school moving forward in the Teacher of the Year competition. Since we are a public charter school serving grades K-12, we have 3 separate schools: elementary, middle, and high. I was the high school representative. In my panel interview I shared the importance of being someone who nurtures others by using the metaphor of a marigold based on a popular blog post that went viral over a decade ago that I will link here. It’s a must-read for educators! After interviewing with the panel, I was chosen to move forward to represent our school at the district level. The icing on the cake (pun intended) was my admin. team serving the faculty a cake with “Find Your Marigold” as the decoration etched in orange after the announcement was made. A lot of work was then spent writing essays that discussed topics such as my philosophy of education, trends and issues in the field, personal goals and aspirations, and what my message would be if I made it all the way to the top. The top 5 teachers were chosen as finalists to represent our district in yet another interview panel in Columbia, and I was lucky to be one of those. Armed with my talking points and nerves that were like jumping beans inside my body as I cruised down I-26, I arrived with a smile and a mission that if nothing else came from that interview, that panel of influential educators in our state would hear my story and learn a little about my boy. If that was all that would come from it, then so be it. I chose to make my message about raising mental health awareness and providing necessary funding to ensure that schools were truly meeting the social and emotional needs of all students (not just those deemed “at risk”) in an effort to educate the whole child.

The month ended with us celebrating Easter. It was a sweet day with the littles waking up to find that the Easter bunny had sprinkled candy-filled eggs in our front yard for them to discover followed by a church service and time spent with family.

April: This was a fun month as we traveled to the Isle of Palms while on Spring Break for Carsen to experience his first beach trip. There are 3 things that my boy loves more than anything: his Mama, a church fellowship dinner, and a hotel (bonus points if it has a swimming pool), so he was ecstatic to arrive and check-in.

Carlen Elisabeth turned a whole hand in the middle of the month and was overjoyed to dig into a princess cake and get all sorts of Elsa toys since Frozen was her obsession last year along with unicorns and mermaids. She was also named Terrific Kid and received a certificate at school with beaming grandparents joining us in the audience at the ceremony. Her favorite part was early dismissal from school afterwards.

The month concluded with Caroline’s senior prom. Our girl was stunning in a royal blue sequined dress that complimented her red hair and freckles beautifully.

May: This month was all about Caroline. It started with some senior photos taken at Wofford College. Since Carlen was also graduating from 4K, the photographer got a few shots of them together in their caps and gowns. Seeing their bond shine through those pics still brings a lump to my throat. Caroline received her CNA pin at a pinning ceremony at the vocational school she attended for several years while taking various health science courses. The next week she returned to her elementary school to do her senior walk through the halls one last time. This was a very emotional time as Carter had also attended that school. I hadn’t set foot in the cafeteria since he had graduated from 5th grade, and that’s where the tables were set up for the senior class. I was determined to not let my emotions take over as I wanted to be fully present for Caroline and let her see nothing but happiness from me that day, but I can imagine that it was also difficult for her to be there, too. She’s like me, though. We put on smiles and do what we have to do even when it’s hard.

Graduation day was so exciting for our girl. It was also historical as 912 graduates walked across the stage that evening, the largest graduating class in school history. She was featured in a local news article with a face full of emotion and tears flowing. This rare display of emotion just drove home how significant that milestone was for her. Our girl did it! She came home that night to open her presents from us- a scrapbook I had meticulously worked on that month which highlighted all 12 of her school years along with Morgan Wallen concert tickets. More tears!

June: School’s out for summer (cue the Alice Cooper anthem)! Days this month were spent playing at local parks, reading and making crafts at the library, swimming with best buddies, and another beach trip- this time to North Myrtle Beach, complete with our first experience at the iconic Bucees. We had the best time together, so much so that we came back and purchased the timeshare we were using for that trip from Joseph’s boss to “force” us into taking those vacations annually. Life’s too short not to enjoy the time off. Take the days, friends. Work will replace you in a week. You can’t be replaced in the lives of those who truly love you.

One evening we decided to take the littles to a skating rink to burn off some energy. As soon as we got back into the truck, Eric Church’s Springsteen song played on the radio- another “God wink.” That song played constantly when Carter and Caroline would go to the skating rink on Tues. nights a few years before he passed. It’s one of the songs that we most associate with him- again, the timing was impeccable and it would come up again on the anniversary of his passing the next month while on a trip to Nashville. Keep reading!

July: This month started out with plans for me to join my sister and co-workers with their children to visit the NC zoo. I was feeling crummy that morning but pressed on because the littles were excited. Fast forward 8 hours, and I was so weak and flushed. I had pushed the littles in a double stroller up and down trails, and my breathing was labored with my insides quivering. I barely made the 3 hour drive back home. I went to the doctor the next day and tested positive for the flu, so that explained the harrowing day.

For the memorial trip in Carter’s memory that month, we decided to visit Nashville which afforded us “God winks” that we’ll be talking about for years to come!

It started out with a full rainbow outside of our hotel the day before the anniversary of his passing. The next day, that dreaded day on the 10th, we spent some time shopping and visiting local bars to hear live music. As we sat listening to the crooning of country lyrics in a palpable daze of grief, we were shocked to hear one of the singers start singing Springsteen by Eric Church. “OK, Carter,” I thought. “You’re here.” It felt like I had been given a hug from heaven from my sweet boy.

Later that evening we were set to see Vince Gill perform at the Grand Ole Opry. We had purchased tickets on a whim while I had scrolled to find things to do on the way to TN. When I saw that Vince Gill would be performing, I thought how cool it would be to hear him sing Go Rest High on That Mountain but quickly dismissed the thought because he would only sing a select few of his hits, and he’d had a career that had spanned decades. Y’all already know where this is going. HE SANG THE SONG. Why? Because just the day before while touring the Country Music Hall of Fame, we learned that a member of the Oak Ridge Boys had passed, and Vince sang it in tribute to him. You’ll never convince me that the song wasn’t for us, too, because of what occurred before Vince came on the stage. Prior to him singing, an up-and-coming star named Wyatt Flores had to pause in the middle of his set to address why he was visibly struggling. He shared that a fan of his named Aubreigh Wyatt had posted her last TikTok with his song Please Don’t Go before she ended her life, and he wanted to make a comment since the media had picked up the story. How in the world were we talking about youth suicide at what is known as the Church of Country Music? No way was this on our Bingo card for that day. NO WAY would those things have aligned except for our God showing up to remind us that He was with us, and Carter was with us letting us know that he was safe with Jesus. I believe the veil that separates us from this life to the next can be very thin, and sometimes on sacred days God allows us to feel Him and the spirit of our loved ones a little more. It may not be a biblical stance that I can prove, but it’s what I feel and believe to be true.

As Gill strummed those first few chords of the song that night, I immediately started to cry. I couldn’t believe that my heart’s desire to hear that song was being fulfilled. We weren’t supposed to record anything from the performance, but I broke that rule, and it’s on my phone for me to play when I need reminders that the Lord sees me and knows all about it. When I’m bitter, the Lord knows. When I’m angry, He sees that. When the sadness is overwhelming and I don’t have the words to convey what my heart longs for, my Abba Father whispers to me, HIs child, that He knows what I need and want before I even know myself. He’s with me in the valley- ALWAYS. He hasn’t left me one time, and I praise Him for that! Gill wrote that song after he lost his brother, and the original song felt unfinished to him for many years although it was played on the radio and beloved by many. What a treat to hear the additional verse that he wrote that fans only hear during live performances as he has never re-recorded the original hit. It states:

You're safely home in the arms of Jesus
Eternal life, my brother's found
The day will come, I know I'll see you
That sacred place on that Holy ground

August: This month was ripe with newness. Carlen started kindergarten at the school where I teach, and this was another moment where it felt like things had come full circle. It was always the plan for me to teach at Dorman while Carter and Caroline came through, but I left the year after he died. I didn’t want to teach his classmates, and while I could have returned for Caroline’s senior year, it didn’t feel right. This month saw me walking my girl into school with her little hand in mine, checking in on her at lunch and getting a hug, catching glimpses of her on the way back from recess beaming with her face flushed from playing, and greeting her while she ran to me with legs churning wide open after school. What a simple joy to share school days together!

Caroline started college at North Greenville University with over $56,000 in scholarships with a plan to stay home and commute her freshman year. Her major was Biology with the goal of medical school after 4 years, and she was excited for a new chapter to commence.

Joseph turned in his two week notice at work and we celebrated our 22nd wedding anniversary.

September: This month we made a tremendous leap of faith as Joseph started a new job with zero knowledge of the industry. He had seen the writing on the wall at his company all year even with the promotion he had gotten and decided to trust in the direction the Lord was leading even though it made little sense on paper. I told him that he needed to shoot for the moon and just do it. I was confident that if the Lord brought him TO it, He would bring him THROUGH it, and boy, has He ever! Within just a few months, Joseph exceeded initial expectations, and the blessings have been abundant as a result of his obedience and discernment.

Caroline turned 18, and we celebrated her special day with a dinner, gifts, and a cake in honor of her celebrity crush, country music bad boy Morgan Wallen.

I did another bake sale to benefit the upcoming Out of the Darkness Walk put on by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and promoted it on social media. What was supposed to be pound cake orders not to exceed 20 quickly took off, and I wound up baking 50. As a result, donations were made to the AFSP, and I had enough left over to purchase sweatshirts for each new member of Hope Squad and pay the speaker fee for the school-wide assembly we are planning for Hope Week next month. I’m so giddy about it and thankful to have had the support of so many.

Hurricane Helene swept though our state and impacted us here in the Upstate much to the surprise and dismay of nearly everyone. Our lives and house were spared, thank God. However, trees came down that tore through fences, destroyed power lines, and left us searching for gas to run portable generators for 5 days as we were without electricity. It was a literal HOT mess.

October: This month our family participated in the Out of the Darkness Walk and had several Hope Squad members attend as well. Seeing the teenagers who came out on a Sunday afternoon to participate because they truly cared and were supportive of the needs in our community warmed my heart and continues to be why I push so hard to make a difference in our school, because it matters. Nothing is done in a vacuum, and the experiences shared and lessons learned can have far-reaching impacts. God can take something little and make it into something so much bigger than we could ever imagine. I’m seeing it come to fruition each year with these fundraisers and Hope Squad activities. It’s exciting and humbling to have a role in God’s work!

My precious Carsen turned 4! Time has just flown by with all of my kiddos, but it seems even quicker with him…probably because he’s the last one. I took him out for a little photo session with pics snapped on my iPhone, and then we met with family to eat and play at CFA while he opened presents and all our mouths turned blue from the icing as we savored bites from his Paw Patrol cake.

Joseph, Caroline, and I attended the last night of the Morgan Wallen concert in Charlotte which was also historic as the highest-grossing country concert tour in history. It’s not often that we get to spend time with just her as her schedule stays packed with school, work, and her own friends, so it was nice to share the evening in a venue packed with adoring fans armed with wristbands that were synchronized to flash certain colors to the beat of his various chart-topping hits.

Carlen was recognized in another Terrific Kid ceremony at school where she had settled in and looked forward to spending the days with her best buddies. She was quick to remind me not to be late to school each morning so she wouldn’t have to miss “centers” (her favorite part of the school day).

November: This month was pretty cool as we were invited to sit courtside at an NBA game with the Boston Celtics playing against the home team, the Charlotte Hornets, courtesy of Joseph’s work as his company was the official sponsor for the Hornets. We felt like big dogs as we had special parking passes inside the venue, were greeted by a guide as soon as we arrived who gave us a personalized tour and walkout with fans looking at us wondering who exactly we were, exclusive access to an all-you-can-eat fancy shmancy dinner (Beef Wellington, anyone?), and seats that had Joseph rubbing elbows with basketball players who were ginormous in stature and who apparently liked to chomp on fresh fruit while awaiting to be subbed into the game.

I hosted Thanksgiving dinner at the house and cooked all morning and afternoon. It never fails that despite my best efforts and intentions, someone gets irritated, upset, offended, or mad, so next year we’re going on a trip and eating whatever wherever. While I enjoy cooking, I don’t enjoy cooking when it’s stressful or I wind up too tired to even enjoy the meal, so what’s the point? Maybe I can invent a candle that smells like turkey and dressing or sweet potato casserole. That way, I can enjoy the scents of the day without the fuss.

Christmas minis took place at a local tree farm later that month. Since Caroline had to work which was a bummer, we used her senior pics along with some of the images taken at the farm to incorporate on our Christmas card the following month.

December: This month was extremely busy with me trying to finish out the semester strong, creating Christmas magic for the family, my birthday, and several days spent in Pigeon Forge, TN after Christmas to ring in the new year. The highlight was getting away to celebrate my birthday one evening to enjoy a meal in peace and quiet followed by a full night’s rest afterwards courtesy of a hotel stay a block away from the restaurant. I jokingly told Joseph one year that all I wanted for my special day was to eat and sleep, and darn if he didn’t (figuratively) say, “Hold my beer…challenge accepted.”

We had quite the year as you can see! Busy and good with a few hardships sprinkled in but we finished together with our health and peace intact. That’s all we can really hope for, isn’t it? The older I get, the more I realize what truly matters. I’ve lost friends over the past year- people who used to be a big part of my life just drifted out of it, but it’s alright. It happens. Seasons come and seasons go, but the faithfulness and goodness of God are ever-present. My life is full, and I am blessed.

I’ll leave you with a recent song I heard by the legendary Alan Jackson whose Southern twang and melodies give us reason to wonder what it must have been like “way down yonder on the Chattahoochee” or reminisce about where we were “when the world stopped turning on that September day”. Every line of his more recent introspective honky-tonk jewel rings true for me, and it probably does for many of you readers as well. Be sure to listen to it, and I wish you all the best in 2025. Happy New Year!

And if they found a fountain of youth
I wouldn’t drink a drop and that’s the truth
Funny how it feels I’m just getting to my best years yet
The older I get