Truth Be Told

We celebrated our nation’s independence earlier this week, and I firmly believe that freedom is something we should always hold dear and never take for granted. That’s one of the themes of today’s blog post as I continue to discover newfound freedom in Christ.

Disclaimer:

Some of what I write today may not be received well, but I’m not writing it for approval of men. I am telling some truths that need to be told regarding my personal experiences. If you disagree, that’s fine. You’re not me, you haven’t walked in my shoes, so naturally we can agree to disagree and still be friends. This is my space, and I’m thankful for those of you who join me on here to support and show solidarity. I hope that continues.

Obviously, every aspect of my life was affected the morning of July 10th, 2017 when I awoke to discover we had lost our son to suicide. One of the main areas that I have had to wrestle with off and on during these past 6 years has been my faith. When the very foundation of everything I believed to be true and real was not just shaken but shattered, it was only natural for tough questions to arise, perceptions to alter, and the status quo to no longer be accepted. Thanks be to God, here I stand, more confident than ever in what I believe and why as I abide in the freedom my faith in Jesus bestows. I share this post in hopes that others may be pointed to Jesus where the focus should always be and not on man or others. People will always let us down. Jesus, however, is faithful. He is truth. He is light, and where the light is, darkness cannot exist.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. The same was in the beginning with God. All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life; and the life was the light of men. And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.

John 1: 1-5

Deconstruction is a term thrown around a lot these days, mainly because there are many like myself who just got to the point in our lives where we were no longer content to believe for the sake of believing, for taking man’s word for God’s Word, and we wanted to know why it is we do what we do. That process essentially involves taking the whole of our belief system, and tearing it down piece by piece and examining each block from all angles…comparing it with scripture that we read for ourselves and determining whether or not what we have been told for years is backed by said scripture. Was it taken out of context? Did we view it through the lens of our Western culture and therefore misapply it? Was it a preference or was it a principle? The term has a negative connotation because there are many who abandon the faith altogether during this process because they realize that much of what they have been taught through the years may have been a product of man-made religion by a bunch of legalistic Pharisees in the church, left unchecked because questioning authority is not pervasive in some church cultures. They leave the faith with a bitter taste in their mouth wanting nothing more to do with a church body who stands in judgment of everyone, seemingly more concerned with a list of dos and don’ts equated with knowing God rather than pursuing a personal relationship with Him.

I guess you could say I started this process roughly a year ago. I turned 40, hit a crisis in my spiritual walk where I was just getting sick of much of what I witnessed above, and I wanted to get beyond surface-level Christianity. I opened up and had some conversations with others who surprisingly shared that they were in the same boat. That made me feel somewhat better knowing that I wasn’t alone, but I knew I needed to dig deep and put in some work, which I was eager to do. My friends weren’t helpful because they were floundering with the same questions and issues that I had. It’s embarrassing to admit this but no longer was I OK with a 5-10 minute devotional, attending church with a cavalier mindset at my worst or with selfish desires at my best (a.k.a. what’s in it for me?), and expecting God to move as I had grown accustomed to doing for years. It was a slow fade that left me hungry, and I longed for the Father to draw me back to Himself. He was pursuing me as always, but now I was pursuing Him, and He met me where I was and started revealing Himself. Talk about abundant grace and a loving heavenly Father! I have become closer to Him during this process and am excited for what the future holds for me spiritually as I continue to grow and feed on His Word.

Armed with my phone and the Bible App, some Christian podcasts, and a few Instagram influencers who didn’t shy away from the tough questions, I started digging into the Word, praying, journaling, reading trusted commentaries, and asking the Holy Spirit to reveal things to me. As a born again believer in Christ, I had confidence knowing that He would show me what I desired to know. The Bible teaches that if anyone asks for wisdom, that God will grant it. That prayer will always be a “yes!” from God.

If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.

James 1:5

The trick was to be able to discern God’s voice versus decades of deeply rooted men’s voices that permeated my mind and directed so many of my decisions. I no longer wanted a preacher to be my moral compass. I didn’t want to compare myself with other Christians to see how I was measuring up. My desire was and continues to be to seek God, learn about Jesus and His character, and to become more like Him in words and deeds through the indwelling of His Holy Spirit.

I wasn’t reared in a Christian home even amidst the Bible Belt. I only went to church a few times and maybe for a couple of VBS outreaches during the summer throughout my childhood. When I was 13, a friend invited me to her church. Everything about those first months was foreign to me. I didn’t know what an altar call looked like. I remember coming home and asking my Nana why people were going down to the altar at the end of the service. Was I supposed to go? I didn’t know how to pray, I only had a book of Bible stories that was given to me when a distant relative died, and I didn’t wear dresses. All the ladies at the church wore dresses, so I immediately went shopping and got some along with slips and pantyhose because my Nana made sure I looked decent. Within a few weeks, the pastor announced that the youth group was going to Carowinds. He emphasized that girls needed to wear culottes that were knee-length. What in the Sam hill were culottes? I learned shortly thereafter that they were basically shorts in the back with a skirt pleat in the front. They were hideous. I was already 5’6″ so finding a pair on such short notice that fit the length requirement was a no-go. I remember showing up that morning in the only pair of culottes I could find at the mall apologizing to the pastor for them not being long enough but they were all I had. He just quietly nodded without saying a word, and I proceeded to load the bus feeling ridiculous and embarrassed. Looking back on it now, I know that there would have been absolutely nothing wrong with showing up in a pair of modest shorts. It was June in SC after all, but the message was clear that good girls didn’t show their flesh. It was ungodly, and I was clearly an outsider. “Come as you are” was baloney, and I knew it because I felt it from the get-go.

That day at Carowinds was geared for church youth groups, so immediately upon arrival, we went to the amphitheater and sat through a church service. At the conclusion of the service, the leader invited us to pray a prayer with him if we wanted to accept Jesus into our heart and lives. I remember silently praying along with him, and at the end he asked everyone who had done so to raise their hand which I did. I think he invited us to come down to the front, but I was still unsure about altar calls and what I was supposed to do, so I just stayed in my seat. Shortly thereafter the pastor came to me and congratulated me and invited me to participate in believer’s baptism. Of course I said yes, but I was truly confused. What did that mean? My prayer was so important that now I got to be baptized? Why? Nothing was explained to me. I just said yes and went on to ride roller coasters the rest of the day. A few weeks later I got baptized in the church. I still had no idea what I was doing. I just wanted to know and love Jesus, and I didn’t want to go to hell. That was the extent of my salvation experience. Of course I knew I was a sinner. Of course I knew I didn’t deserve mercy and grace and of course I believed that Jesus was born of a virgin, lived a perfect life, and died on a cross to pay the penalty for my sins. What was never settled in my heart and mind, though, was that it was a free gift that once accepted, was everlasting and there was nothing I could do to earn it on my own.

Shortly thereafter began the battle of me sinning and wanting to do good but failing, and then the enemy whispering to me that I wasn’t a true Christian because if I was, then I wouldn’t think the things that I did and do the things I did. I went to a church that preached salvation through faith alone by Jesus alone, but works were an important aspect of that belief as supported in the scripture below.

Ye see then how that by works a man is justified, and not by faith only.

James 2:24

I attended Sunday School, went to church on Sundays and Wednesdays, was faithful to sing in the choir and participate in youth group, and I even went on a mission trip to the island of Grenada in the Caribbean. However, so much of what I was doing felt empty at times. I never felt good enough or that I truly belonged. I was always striving to be better and do better to fit in. When I went on the mission trip and saw how pure the islanders were in their worship, it humbled and absolutely wrecked me. They had very little by the world’s standards, but their cup ran over with joy. I wanted that for myself but didn’t know how to get it. I went down to the altar weeping one evening and the American pastor that was part of our mission group met me down there and immediately starting showing me the Romans Road, New Testament passages that dealt with salvation. In my frustration I just looked at him bewildered and loudly exclaimed, “I just want my JOY back!”. Even at 15 years old, I had grown weary of works-based Christianity.

After about 5 years I started attending a different church with my boyfriend at the time who would later become my husband. We were there together for about a decade (Joseph had been there his entire life) until the pastor passed away. His name was Dennis Carter, and he made such an impact on our lives that we named our son after him. Preacher Carter actually pulled me aside one day and told me to stop trying to be like everyone else and to just be me. Those of you who read my blog posts and message me with appreciation for being real and authentic on here can credit him for that. He’s the reason I have continued to be “me” unapologetically through the years. He loved me for me in spite of my faults and failures and remains to this day as the greatest Christian I have ever known.

He preached with authenticity and spoke truth in love. He had high standards and preached those standards but even then I knew some weren’t for me at the time (and still aren’t)- the styles of dress and acceptable music, women’s roles in the church and home, abstaining from wine even during celebratory and social occasions, using the King James version of the Bible only, no tattoos, no dances, no movie theaters, no mixed swimming, etc. just to name a few. Some of those were things that I took with a grain of salt. Others I follow even now. Every believer should study while keeping in mind context and cultural implications and ask God for discernment. What are things that are fundamental to our faith and are first-tier doctrinal stances? What are secondary? Tara-Leigh Cobble of The Bible Recap podcast often reminds us not to scream where scripture whispers and to keep some things in an open hand. If we think we have it all figured out, that we’re right and literally everyone else is wrong pertaining to secondary issues, then we’re prideful and arrogant. None of us are at the same point in the sanctification process, either, which is the lifelong journey of becoming more like our Savior. The expectation in any church that all the believers should look and act the same is asinine and leads to legalism.

The problem with having a legalistic mindset is that it can easily become man’s shortcut to God, because it’s easier to follow a law (rule) rather than to become intimately acquainted with the Law Giver. It’s one thing to adhere to something because the Lord reveals it to you in scripture and you have a conviction about it in the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit. It’s a whole other thing to be pressured to do something without knowing why with the assumption that it will make you more accepted (by God and by the church). Next thing you know you are simply being a copycat to others who are being copycats themselves and judging ones who don’t follow suit. The church looks and acts the same on the outside while the inside is rotting. Jesus spoke about the necessity of being cleansed from the inside out, and sadly, I fear that message has gotten lost in many churches as evidenced by their emphasis on outward appearances and perception. Some pick on certain sins while willfully ignoring others. It’s hard to stomach (pun intended) a message from a preacher who is 100 lbs. overweight turning red in the face with spittle flying about how I should exercise control over my flesh when he can’t even exercise control over his Kentucky Fried Chicken and cathead biscuits. Amen and bless God!

It was while at that church that I had a true conversion experience on January 3rd, 2001 as I went to the altar and confessed that I was nothing but an unworthy sinner in need of a perfect Savior. It was there that I humbled myself and stopped trying to work my way into heaven. I traded a head knowledge of Jesus for a heart knowledge and it has made all the difference in my life. Since that time, I have had peace in my heart and soul that has never wavered. I am a child of God simply because of His grace. Nothing I could ever do on my own would warrant an eternity spent with Him.

For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast.

Ephesians 2: 8,9

After it became evident that the church wasn’t ready to move forward in finding another pastor once Preacher Carter passed after a long battle with cancer, Joseph’s family decided to visit another local church where my sister-in-law was teaching at their Christian school. That pastor had reached out to her offering a soft spot to land while we regrouped. The consensus was that nobody would join without first discussing it with each other, but after a few months, both of Joseph’s brothers and their families joined, so we did as well in 2010. That’s where we have been for the past 13 years, and in that time we have experienced the highest of highs with Caroline getting saved at the school in 2019 and Carlen and Carsen’s births in 2019 and 2020, and the lowest of lows with Carter’s death in 2017. Many of our brothers and sisters in Christ locked arms with us and helped carry us through the deep valleys and rejoiced with us on those mountaintops. I have lifelong friends there whom I love dearly.

However, there is comfort in knowing that when you go through a trial that you aren’t alone in it. While I have received an outpouring of support throughout the years as I have been pretty open and vulnerable on social media and here on this blog, Joseph has largely suffered in silence. There really wasn’t anyone in the trenches with him. Many reached down to offer him a hand up and out, but nobody was in the muck of it beside him. Because the emphasis was always on maintaining one’s testimony, we never felt comfortable sharing the ugly parts of what we faced in our Christian lives. The idea was that if you went to God about it, He would handle it. We were told repeatedly that not everybody needed to know one’s faults and failures. I recall one evening (less than a year after losing Carter) and I had become emotional during the service, a lady met me out in the church foyer and asked me what was wrong. I told her that I was having a hard time and she looked at me and flat out said she was worried that I didn’t seem to have a grip on my grief and asked if I had considered getting help. That heifer, a mother of 4 children herself, had the audacity to insinuate something was flawed in me, that I was expected to keep it more together, and that I was a broken vessel in need of repair when all I really needed was for her to sit with me for a while in my brokenness. I didn’t and still don’t need “fixing.” My son is dead. He’s GONE. The world has messaging that fears death and avoids the painful questions. The church shouldn’t echo that, and when it does, it drives people away.

Matthew West sings about this in his song, “Truth Be Told“.

[Verse 2]
There’s a sign on the door, says, “Come as you are,” but I doubt it
‘Cause if we lived like that was true, every Sunday morning pew would be crowded
But didn’t You say church should look more like a hospital?
A safe place for the sick, the sinner and the scarred, and the prodigals
Like me

[Chorus]
I say, “I’m fine, yeah, I’m fine, oh, I’m fine, hey, I’m fine”
But I’m not, I’m broken
And when it’s out of control, I say “It’s under control”
But it’s not and You know it
I don’t know why it’s so hard to admit it
When being honest is the only way to fix it
There’s no failure, no fall
There’s no sin You don’t already know
So let the truth be told

So, we have been stuck for a while. Trying to bear the burden of loss, not having proper support, feeling so devastatingly alone and lacking, all while craving authenticity. When the focus seems to be more on the outside and one’s image and less on the gospel message itself and dealing with the secret sins of the inner man, going to church seems disingenuous and it’s easy to check out. I have zero desire to keep up appearances. I’m working on myself and dealing with strengthening my inner being, which to be fair, has been emphasized and preached. I just don’t feel like it has been put into practice by many of us in the pews. I have a lot of work to do and need others willing to humble themselves and admit that they need to put in some work, too. And by work, I mean dealing with the sins of the flesh, covetousness, envying, strife, bitterness, vanity, PRIDE, etc. Slapping on a skirt in the name of being modest that’s about 2 sizes too small and declining the wine list while on a date with your husband who is most likely addicted to porn (70% of Christian men are) does not equal righteous living, Sis. I was growing increasingly frustrated, and Joseph was continuing to have a hard time being bombarded with painful memories of Carter at the church, so he met with the pastor and shared that our time there had come to an end and we needed to move on in order to move forward.

So that’s where we are currently are. It’s never comfortable stepping away from people and places that have been an anchor, but staying just to please others and avoid hurt feelings wasn’t an option for our family. We are visiting a church where the pastor and his wife have been our friends for years, and there’s a sweet spirit there that is comforting. It’s a very small church but there are 2 families there who have lost children and have spoken openly about it. I have absolutely no idea if that church will be where the Lord puts us permanently, but if it is, I have a list of questions to review with the pastor because an unquestioning faith and tradition has been a stumbling-block for me in the past. I will also make no bones about where I am in my Christian walk and the sanctification process. If they can’t accept me for who I am where I am as a child of God then I’ll just mosey on elsewhere with no hard feelings. Which brings me to another point-

This is a big one for me personally. Some people’s goals are to work at the same place and retire, be a member of the same church all their life and be buried there, live in the same hometown they were born in to raise a family, etc. There is comfort in continuity which is fine and dandy. However, multiple preachers have gone so far as to say that if you leave the umbrella of protection at a particular church, then you are risking Satan’s attacks. Friends, that’s fear-based and a controlling tactic cults utilize. If that is being drilled into your psyche, know that God’s people exist outside of your bubble, and God isn’t confined to a box. I’ve worked in 7 schools, been a member of 3 churches, moved 18 times during my childhood, and you know what? God was there all that time. He had a plan for me and my life in all of those places, and even when I may have stepped out and done things on my own because of a prideful spirit, God’s mercy was there. Grace is getting what you don’t deserve. Mercy is not getting what you do deserve, and I praise Him for both. Even in hard times and hard places, God has written beautiful chapters in my storybook of life with imperfect people in imperfect places and I am not bitter about it. Every step along the way has made me into who I am now and with gratitude I can look back and see His sovereign hand in each place and circumstance.

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

If you haven’t seen the Amazon series, Shiny Happy People, I highly recommend it. A lot of it resonated with me and my experiences with legalism. While I agree that many in church will adhere to the same second tier issues, it shouldn’t necessarily be the case that everyone does, and it most certainly shouldn’t be the primary message. The primary message should always be spreading the gospel by celebrating the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Knowing Him, truly knowing Him, will cause one to die to self and become a new person- not just in word but in deed. Taking care of the orphans and widows, observing the Lord’s Supper faithfully, reaching out to the broken and hurting should be evident in the body of Christ as part of our greatest commands to love God and love others.

My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue, but in deed and in truth.

Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

I John 3:18, Matthew 22: 37-40

I am currently doing a Bible study with some of my co-workers. I have been blessed to know some amazing and faithful Christians at each of the public schools (gasp! Who knew?) I have worked at these past 17 years, and we are studying the book of 1 John. One day the author of the study, Bonnie Hunter Marlowe, tasked us with this:

“Imagine that you are sitting down to talk to someone who is confused about Jesus. Tell them about your Savior. Use scripture to support your answer. ” Here’s what I wrote off the top of my head without notes or references (I later went on to source them as noted in parenthesis).

1. He was fully man and fully God. (Colossians 2: 8,9, John 1:14)
2. He came into this world meek and lowly- was born of a virgin. (Matthew 1: 18-25)
3. His teachings were about an upside-down kingdom where humble people are exalted, the poor are the ones rich and blessed, and those who are mighty are cast down. (Luke 6: 20-49)
4. He died on a cross to pay for humanity’s sin. (Romans 5:8)
5. None of us are righteous. Our righteousness comes through Him and His shed blood. (Romans 3:23, Hebrews 9:22)
6. There’s nothing we can do to earn our salvation. Jesus did it all. (Isaiah 64:6, John 3:16,17)
7. Any good work that we do is evidence of our faith- it is not done of ourselves. It’s the product of the Holy Spirit within us. (1 John 3:24)
8. Jesus lived a sinless, perfect life (1 John 3:5)
9. He died and rose again on the third day.(Romans 1:4, 4:25)
10. He is alive and seated at the right hand of the Father in heaven making intercession for us. (Hebrews 12:2)

The Lord has been very gracious in giving me a community of like-minded individuals who are eager to study the Word with me and encourage me. I am humbled at the goodness of God. I want to publicly thank Him for continuing to set me free from legalism and for giving me the desire to earnestly know Him. I’m thankful that this process of deconstruction didn’t keep me from God- rather, it led me closer to Him.

I’m thankful that He is Truth, and by letting the Truth be told on here today, I feel like I have been obedient to what He has called me to do. Amen.