All I Need

Starting to write new posts when I have been absent on here for a while is always a little rough. I free-write these things which means that whatever I’m feeling or thinking I just let flow and then I go back periodically to edit and tweak for grammar and syntax issues. I’ve never done a graphic organizer or anything to get the words out. It’s usually a little bumpy getting started but once I begin, these posts really just write themselves, so I’m hoping that’s what’ll happen this evening. I’m feeling a strong urge to write but I don’t know where to start. Bear with me while I try to get going.

Today is one of those days where everything seemed muddled and fuzzy. About an hour ago I just crawled into my bed (Joseph had taken the littles out for a drive and to grab dinner so I could have some quiet time to myself). Summer vacation for this teacher just began a few weeks ago and I can already tell this summer may be one for the record books. For those of you who are new on here, I’m 40 years old with a teenager, a THREEnager, and a toddler. Go ahead and call the looney bin…I’m on my way to be admitted! I didn’t want to scroll on my phone but I had it by my side while I attempted to just rest in the bed. On a whim I decided to scan my Google Photos to see what memories would pop up…it’s amazing to see the growth of the babies in just a year or two. One of the highlights across the top said “Spotlight,” and this particular one showcased pictures of Carter through the years. Immediately the tears just started flowing. I went to my dresser and grabbed his Elmo and blue fleece blanket named Red Spot and just hunkered down with them in my bed and cried for a while. Sometime during the tears as I was listening to one of his favorite songs, “Oceans,” I realized what today’s date was and then it just clicked. Once again my body and heart knew what my brain was not getting- today is June 10th. One month from today 5 years ago is when the joy of my heart ended his life and forever altered mine.

Life has been busy these past 5 years. I left a job that I loved a year after Carter’s passing and went to a smaller school, became pregnant at 36 with my daughter, decided to become a stay-at-home mom during the day while I had a part-time job 3 nights a week, worked through the pandemic just to discover I was pregnant again at 37, and re-entered the teaching world by accepting a job at a charter school just 6 miles from my house. Life has kept me going, going, going like the Energizer Bunny. The only times I really pause are when I’m forced to as a result of flares from the autoimmune disease I was diagnosed with 12 years ago…when I can’t walk or am suffering chronic pain I will take it easy and rest. I guess I say all of that to say that there just hasn’t been a lot of time to process through all the feelings that result when your world has turned upside down. Occasionally I get on here and use the blog as therapy, and while I’ve gone to counseling sporadically, I’m not really one who just likes to talk about the big feelings. I kind of have the mind-set that these are MY feelings and MY struggles, and that nobody else is going to get them because nobody else was Joseph Carter Robinson’s mother. While there isn’t a timeframe for this sort of thing, you’d think that by 5 years I’d perhaps be better and stronger but that’s not exactly the case for me. I guess today’s post is sort of a check-up. Half a decade has passed. How are things going? TRULY going and not just what people see when I plaster a smile and white-knuckle my way through another hour, day, week, and month?

For the outsider looking in, it would seem that I’m doing remarkably well. Married with healthy and happy children, nice house, great job, wonderful and supportive friends, a church family who is kind and loving, and most of my wants and all of my needs are met daily. How blessed I am! Truly. I don’t want to take away from any of those things or try and discredit the progress that I have made these past 5 years because I know that I’ve overcome so much thanks to the Lord who has given me the strength and guided me. I’m my own worst enemy, though. I would probably be a lot farther ahead in this had I not gotten in my own way. There’s parts of me that I hide, feelings that I bury so that people only see the me that I want them to…I don’t showcase much of my crazy but it’s there. You can ask my husband. He’s the one who sees me at my worst and there have understandably been a lot of bad days since losing our son.

Many marriages don’t survive this type of loss. We know this and try to avoid the pitfalls and stumbling-blocks that can so easily derail us but it’s hard keeping the home fires burning when life has deprived us of oxygen and the storms of life are raging. Our marriage is typical in many ways. We struggle with financial, intimacy, and communication issues from time to time. We’re both hard-working and stubborn. I’m an introvert. He’s an extrovert. You know… the whole he’s from Mars and I’m from Venus kind of thing and our differences don’t always complement one another well. Twenty years in and you’d think we’d have figured out a lot but we still have our moments where if these walls could talk they’d make both our Mamas rush over and rinse our mouths out with soap. So, our marriage looks great and sounds great to those who hear our story as high-school sweethearts who have literally grown up together but make no mistake, there are lots of bitter, ugly tears shed at 819 E. Frank Bush Ave. from time to time. So, there’s the status of my marriage. We’re good for the most part and pretend to be good for the other parts. Ha.

Next up…healthy and happy children. Yes, to the outsider, our children are picture perfect and thriving. However, I am in the midst of some of the hardest years in parenting from what I have observed and others have told me… by raising a teenage daughter. There’s lot of baggage that comes with that responsibility, and sometimes the weight of it makes me question every step I’m taking and at the end of most days I think I’m screwing it (and her) up royally. I mean, good grief. It’s a LOT. I won’t go into detail about what all we’re dealing with on here out of respect for her and her privacy, but just this past year we have navigated a boyfriend, high school, peer pressure, bullying, her first job, driving, social media, sibling rivalry, less-than-stellar friendships, and a few health crises. She’s headed off to camp this weekend for a few days, and I know she’s looking forward to getting away and spending some time outside of the steamy cauldron of chaos that’s our life these days. She’s beautiful with a good head on her shoulders most of the time, but she’s exposed to a lot at school and at work. I can’t protect her from all the things my Mama’s heart wants to shield her from. I know she has to forge her own path and make her own mistakes but it’s hard when she thinks she knows it all and that I’m stupid with unrealistic expectations with no clue what’s best for her.

We live in a dream house. It’s the kind of house I prayed for and imagined one day having. I’ve done a lot to make it into a home, a place of refuge and comfort. However, it’s also the place where our son ended his life. It’s the place that houses memories of him laughing with us and smiling, but it also houses memories of that tragic day and of sorrow unimaginable. Being here, in this space, alone at nights during the summer months leading up to the anniversary of his passing is hard. I spend a lot of time zoning out in front of the TV watching shows we enjoyed together when I find sleep elusive. Here lately I have been watching “Grey’s Anatomy”- a show that I was binge-watching at night the summer he died. While on Netflix waiting for the episodes to load last night I came across a WWII docuseries. I will be sure to watch some of that soon. Carter loved any and everything related to WWII, and it helps my heart to do things that he would have enjoyed- especially this time of the year.

My husband and I are both blessed with great jobs. I truly love being a high-school Spanish teacher, but this upcoming year I am also going to be teaching two new courses. One is called Teacher Cadet and the other is Educational Psychology. Both require training over the summer. Because I’m part-time and I don’t have a planning period, the work that will need to be done preparing for those classes each day will be done while I’m at home. I will somehow have to juggle time with my family vs. time spent preparing lessons and grading. Regardless of what choice I make, there’s always guilt involved because I can’t be everything to everyone everyday. Kids suffer, my classes suffer, my marriage suffers, I suffer, my relationship with God suffers, etc. because I am a people-pleaser who tries to juggle and master too many things. I’m horrible at delegating tasks because it’s a loss of control and I HATE that. My husband also has a great job but he just recently accepted a promotion which we believe is going to work out great in the long run but it’s a lot of hours and work up front right now. He’s literally going in during various shifts as some sort of Superman to make his presence known, help morale, and problem-solve. It’s a lot of pressure. He’s awesome at what he does, but like me, he’s an over-achiever with big ambitions and a work ethic that doesn’t stop. He takes the role of provider seriously, and I’m thankful for him and all he does, but he’s tired a lot, too. He’s grieving, too. He can’t be everything to everyone everyday, either. Our jobs shouldn’t get the best parts of us but they do sometimes which adds even more to the guilt and how we’re screwing everything up.

The last things that I mentioned that look great to the outsider would be my friends and church family. Here’s the thing. I’m not a great friend to people. I’m a DOER but I’m not a great talker or listener. You need a meal brought to your house after a baby? I’m on it. You need me to cover a class while you go home sick? Got it. You want me to send some flowers as you’ve recently lost a loved one or pet? Sure thing. But don’t expect me to pick up the phone when you call and listen as you actually talk about how you feel. Gag. I mean, what do you want me to say? Everything I say would come out sounding empty or clichéd and the last thing I want to offer you is some Bible verse taken out of context or an empty platitude. It’s terrible when that happens. Trust me, I know these things as I have been the recipient of all of them. Also, don’t wait on me to ring your doorbell and come inside and listen to you vent about your struggles while we plow through pints of Haagen-Dazs. No, thank you. I’m not going to do that because I want to be left alone in my misery and assume that’s how others feel, too. If they don’t, then oh, well. I’m not their girl. So yes, I have some amazing friends who are kind and sweet and incredibly thoughtful and a church family who loves me and who would drop any and everything to be there for me, but I don’t want to rely on those people too much because I can’t reciprocate. I don’t want to take up all their goodness and not be able to offer any back.

In recent weeks I have been following a new Bible reading plan for the year, thanks to a co-worker’s recommendation one day while we were doing afternoon parking-lot duty. She said that she was having the best time actually reading her Bible because it corresponded with a podcast that explained the reading and really brought some great insight. It’s called The Bible Recap, led by Tara-Leigh Cobble and it has been tremendous. She explains things that I would have glossed over in my daily reading and she encourages her listeners on the podcast to look for God in the reading. What is His character like? How is my view of Him being shaped by the events that are transpiring? I went back to Year 2 of the podcast so that I could begin in Genesis. That book has always been daunting to me. So many things in the Old Testament are- I don’t understand why things happen certain ways to certain people or groups of people, and I get frustrated because things are seemingly unjust, unkind, and unloving. How does a loving, all-knowing God DO these things and/or allow these things to happen? However, by listening to the podcast and following the recommendation to seek the Lord in the reading and not selfishly try and read to see myself or my circumstances mirrored in the text, I have been reminded repeatedly that our Lord is indeed sovereign who works all things out for good. He takes the ugly and broken and uses those to bring honor and glory to Himself. Blessings come from brokenness. Beauty comes from ashes. Redemption comes through pain and suffering. Joy comes through sorrow. HOPE comes through despair. This is evident in the genealogy of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, known as the Lion of Judah. In my reading today of Judah and Tamar, I saw a lot of sin, deceit, and wickedness in their lives. However, none of those things altered God’s plan. He took the things that were ugly and messed up and redeemed them. Though we can’t see the big picture, He’s the Master at work…painting something so beautiful that our finite minds can’t begin to imagine the finished result. Perhaps all we see are the brush strokes at times. We can see what He’s doing but not the end result. This is where our faith steps in because we have to trust that it will all come together.

This is where my faith steps in, too. I screw up every day with my sucky parenting, I fail my husband, I’m not always the best teacher or co-worker, and I am a horrible friend by not being present and showing up as I should. Yet, God, in His rich mercy and grace, still bestows goodness and wants a relationship with me and the same is true for everyone else. He’s all that I need, He’s all that my husband needs, He’s all that my children need, He’s all my friends need, and He’s all my students and co-workers need. HE’S ALL WE NEED. HE IS ENOUGH. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how badly we screw things up because it’s all in His hands. WE are in His hands. My children are in His hands…all of them. Carter, Caroline, Carlen, and Carsen.

Song lyrics are poetry and speak to my heart like few things do when I’m at a loss and am deep in my feelings. After one of the podcast episodes following that day’s Bible reading in the book of Job, a song was linked in the Show Notes, so I clicked on it and listened. It’s linked here as well. A sermon clip by John Piper is included in the song that’s pretty powerful, too.

My heart and flesh may fail
The earth below give way
But with my eyes, with my eyes, I'll see the Lord
Lifted high on that day
Behold, the Lamb that was slain
And I'll know every tear was worth it all. 

Though you slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the One who's all I need.