Treating Trauma

Greetings to all my cyber friends and followers from my usual spot at the kitchen table in the upstate of SC! I haven’t written a post since the new year began, so I wanted to journal some updates and keep you posted about how I’m continuing to press forward since losing my firstborn son to suicide nearly 4 years ago. If I’m being totally honest, life is pretty good right now. Like, really, really, good. I have to write this down because most days I let negative thoughts creep in and get easily triggered by things that cause me to believe otherwise.

I’ve come to the realization that most of what I allow myself to think dictates my days. Since my thinking is often messed up, I’m seeking counseling to help me with this. My first appt. is scheduled for Tues. May 4^th with the therapist our family saw shortly after Carter’s passing in 2017. I’m eager to get his advice and feedback to continue the process of healing in a more productive way as I have issues that need to be addressed from my past. I’ve white-knuckled my way through these last few years which, to be fair, has gotten me to this point. I’m truly thankful. I refuse to sell myself short because it would have been so easy to turn to other things to cope and continue the generational chains of sin I have fought so hard to break. I persevered through those temptations most days, and I’m proud of coming this far. I celebrate having had the strength and fortitude of getting out of the bed and functioning on a level to a degree that most would never know my inner turmoil. Smiling through pain and tears and choosing to live has been no easy task, so I’m patting myself on the back for progress made on this mountain of grief, but I’m not at the top and won’t be until I get to Heaven. I’ve been journeying upward and taking some tumbles along the way- fallen flat on my butt many times and just wanted to roll over and halt the ascent altogether. This journey is hard, long, and very wearisome. Now, I find myself simply taking a break and regrouping to gain better focus- eating a granola bar while scanning the landscape and appreciating the beauty all around me but knowing that there is so much more to this life if I can just keep climbing. Key thing is that I need to unload some baggage that has been weighing me down in order to make the journey easier and more fulfilling.

These years have defeated me in many aspects. I’m tired, but it’s not just because I have a teenager, toddler, and infant in the house. Or because I’m continuing to battle an auto-immune disease that causes chronic fatigue. Or because I’m overweight and quickly approaching 40. It’s because the battle I face is largely in my mind and combatting negative thoughts while navigating through a myriad of triggers that bring back so many painful memories not only from Carter’s death but also from my past has been crippling. I’m tired of trying to heal myself and pull myself up from my bootstraps. We’re finally in a place financially where I can justify my mental health self-care in the monthly budget, so it’ll be interesting to see how the work that I put into healing through counseling sessions manifests itself in life and in my interactions with people.

I’m an Enneagram 9 which basically means I’m introverted, deeply empathetic, a people-pleaser, and one who tries to avoid confrontations at all costs. I’m curious, though, about how much of these personality traits are due to genetics and how much of my personality has been shaped by my past. Can I change some of the core of who I am? Should I even bother? Since Carter’s passing, I no longer avoid confrontations. Sometimes I even welcome them. I WANT someone to come at me with a comment or a behavior that will allow me to let loose and give back to them what I feel they deserve. It’s empowering to me, because I’ve never been this way before. The problem, though, is that sometimes I’m left with feelings of guilt and remorse after I stand my ground because I’ve been so accustomed to just rolling with the punches and letting others have their way. I have always sought their approval and validation to feel good about myself. Now it’s hard getting that approval when I’m telling people “no” and establishing boundaries. Especially with family- with ones that I’ve placed on pedestals. Recently I have taken off the rose-colored glasses and seen aspects of their behavior and character that are not healthy and that are actually harmful to me. What a revelation! What do I do now? How do I move forward in those relationships when my instinct is to cut them off and run- the classic fight or flight response but I’m no longer running and avoiding those confrontations?  I’ve also decided that being a people-pleaser is no way to go which has been evident by some of my past blog posts. I have written my truths my way and made no apologies for it.

Except…

I started following a Christian Instagram influencer, Phylicia Masonheimer, who stated something profound in one of her highlights. Basically what she said was that vulnerability sells and draws people in, but you’re helping no one by writing and speaking from a place that you haven’t yet healed from. You’re just bleeding all over and getting others bloody in the process.

The Lord quickly smote my heart and told me that was what I have been doing. In being vulnerable and writing about my experiences, I have been in the midst of deep pain and sorrow- often bitter and angry and so, so confused and sad. My words have not been full of grace. My actions have been even less so. And the last thing I want to do is to be a hindrance to the cause of Christ or cause others to stumble in their walks of faith because my actions are not of Him. I can be vulnerable while also being discerning with my words. I haven’t been doing that, so I’m sorry. I want to be a good steward of what the Lord has given me, and He has granted me a platform here with this blog to point others to Him while I share about my journey of loss. I can and NEED to do better, and I’m hopeful that sessions with a Christian counselor who knows my story and has walked this road himself (he lost his father to suicide) will help.

I’m not completely clueless and helpless concerning steps I need to take to move forward with my mental health and recovery from traumatic experiences. Yes, Carter’s suicide was traumatic and the most painful event of my life, but trauma didn’t start there. It began in my childhood literally from the day I was born and progressed. Much of my adult life has been spent repressing painful emotions stemming from parental abandonment (both emotional and physical), gaslighting behaviors leading to mental abuse and manipulation, toxic environments (drug houses, bars, and abusive homes where domestic violence was common), narcissistic family members, and broken trust repeatedly throughout my marriage. It’s an awful lot to deal with, and instead of facing it and doing the work needed to move THROUGH it, I’ve sorta just compartmentalized a lot of it and put it away in boxes inside of my head to be unpacked at a later date when I had the time and strength to confront all of it.

What have I done these past four years on my own to try and heal? Well, immediately after Carter’s death I sought counseling but only had one session before we shifted the focus to helping Caroline as she required individual sessions. She was only 10 and her entire world had turned upside down. We were terrified for her and how her brother’s death would affect her. As her mother, my number one priority was getting her help. When the therapist told us after 3 sessions with her that we needed to pause them because she wasn’t ready to open up, by that time school had started back up and I didn’t have the time to go for myself. Teaching took every bit of my focus and energy which I reckon was a blessing at the time. I was too busy to fully grieve.

The following year during Spring Break, I took advantage of that week of freedom to attend a retreat in NC called “Healing Hearts” where I was fortunate enough to meet others who were experiencing painful circumstances, and together, we went through intense group counseling for 3 days. I left that retreat in a much better place mentally and for the first time feeling hopeful.

A few months later, I started this blog and it has been extremely therapeutic for me to journal my thoughts on here and to receive such copious amounts of support, encouragement, and positive feedback. I feel like this blog has kept me from becoming stuck in my grief- when I struggle I often come here to write. By simply releasing words and getting them out of my head it has helped me gain clarity so that I can continue on.

Periodically taking breaks from social media has proven very beneficial for me as well. Facebook especially is an overwhelming platform for me, so I have deactivated it and solely use Instagram now to post updates about my kids and their milestones which is important for me and something that I value and take pride in sharing. However, even IG can be tricky at times. I’ve unfollowed accounts that make me feel “less than” – I can appreciate other people’s lives and journeys but when everything is sunshine and rainbows all day everyday it becomes an unhealthy comparison game. Hypocrisy is also brought to the forefront on social media which deeply disturbs me, especially concerning Christians that I know. I constantly battle legalism and a judgmental attitude. I can easily see myself as one of the Pharisees back in Jesus’s day. It’s truly sad, so when I find myself looking at people and accounts where those tendencies and attitudes of mine are brought to the forefront, I just unfollow them. Sometimes the less I know about a person the better.

Another thing that is helping me is reading my Bible. Truly the most basic and fundamental aspect of a Christian’s walk, but it is one that I have neglected for most of my life because I’ve never valued the time it takes to truly study it and prioritize it. Throughout the past two decades of being a Christian, I have been shamed into reading it, berated for not doing it, and guilted into making devotional time a habit. Only problem is that I’ve never allowed the Holy Spirit to actually do His work in me and draw me to a place where I look forward to studying and learning. My attitude has always been when opening the Bible to look for something to help guide me by often applying verses to current circumstances in my life. Me, me and me. All about me. Such a selfish approach. Now I open the Word seeking to learn about the Lord- more of Him and less of me. The best thing I’ve done is follow a plan that begins with a devotional that relates to the passages. In it, the writer gives me a preview of what I can expect while reading and explains some things that might otherwise cause me to frown in confusion and give up due to comprehension difficulties. Yes, the KJV Bible may use words that any middle-schooler can decipher, but when strung together, understanding context and making applications is often very difficult. My reading plan includes a passage from Psalms or Proverbs to begin with and then something from the OT and NT. I now take notes several times a week as time allows which makes the reading of God’s Word more retainable as I’m a visual learner. I also listen to Christian podcasts- my favorites are Verity by Phylicia Masonheimer and The Recovering Fundamentalist by 3 men who share their experiences in the church and discuss theological issues.

Other small changes which have made positive influences on my mental well-being include no longer watching true crime shows on TV, limiting the amount of fiction that I read (especially pertaining to romance), and listening to more praise and worship music and less of the secular sort. The Discovery ID Channel, Harlequin Romance novels, Bon Jovi rock anthems, and country music songs of lying, cheating, and drinking may not be problematic for lots of folk, but for me, they are. I fear a lot of things happening to my children. Losing Carter so tragically and unexpectedly has left me with feelings of paranoia and anxiety. I fear the evil that exists in this world. Watching documentaries of horrific slayings and abductions just reinforces that presence of evil and does no good for my peace of mind. Reading fiction is a nice escape but when everyone has happily-ever-after endings and love is idealized it paints a false reality that leaves me wanting and expecting more from myself and from my husband when we are both simply trying our best. No need to put more demands on ourselves. Finally, secular music does nothing to calm my racing heart and quiet the noise inside of my head- it amplifies and creates even more chaos, so eliminating those things has helped tremendously. Furthermore, I hardly ever watch the news. To do so would be to believe the narrative that COVID is going to kill us all and we are doomed to endure riots, lootings, and burning cities for at least another year. In an era when everyone is eager to cancel the culture, I have elected to simply cancel the news itself, and it’s amazing how much more positive my outlook is on life.

I’m eager to seek godly counsel and hoping that combined with my daily, focused examination of God’s Word that I can truly come to terms with painful aspects of my past, learn true forgiveness by putting what I know in my head into action, and learning to love myself- not just the pretty parts that I show the world, but the whole of me. Things I’ll be confronting in therapy include abandonment issues that don’t just pertain to my parents, unfortunately. Carter abandoned me when he chose to permanently leave. Since I wasn’t good enough for my parents to love, I’ve struggled with giving and receiving love from my husband. Hard things to tackle include needing to forgive my parents and other relatives for pain they inflicted while also needing to forgive myself for not being able to save Carter. We’ve got a lot of work to do, Dr. David Cox and me. He may as well go ahead and book himself a Caribbean vacation for all the money he’s going to make counseling This Hot Mess Express.

It’s all good, though. One day at a time. What does that old proverb state? The journey of a 1,000 miles begins with one step.