School Days

This post will be a shorter one for me. I have some things on my heart but unlike when I normally write on the blog, it’s currently 9AM instead of my usual 3AM sessions when I’m unable to sleep. I’m not a morning person by any means, so this one will be more to the point.

School is back in session for many districts in our area, and I for one am glad for it. The past 5 months of distance learning and summer vacation have been unusual, and I think it is beneficial for my daughter and also for myself to get back into a semblance of a routine. She and I both have been struggling with sleep. I thought at first that my issue was the pregnancy, and then as July approached, I figured it was anxiety regarding the anniversary of my son’s passing. When August dawned and I was still wide awake through the wee hours of the morning I started doing some introspection and came to the conclusion that stress and a lack of a routine were most likely the main culprits. Therefore, I am forcing myself now to rise when she does for school each morning and then not take naps when my toddler does throughout the day. Surely by the time nightfall comes, I will be more than ready to catch some Zzzzzs. Fingers crossed.

We have Caroline’s room moved back upstairs where it was before losing her brother to suicide. While she has no issues up there during the day, nights are still hard. She initially said that she would try to start sleeping up there when school started back- by then the bathroom would be remodeled (that is where she and I discovered her brother on the morning of July 10th, 2017), but she is having bad dreams now and finds solace by sleeping on the living room sofa. It breaks my heart that she is struggling. I want so badly to help her but feel at a loss. In the initial weeks after losing Carter, our family sought counseling from a therapist who lost his dad to suicide as a pre-teen and he had a few sessions specifically with Caroline in an effort to get her to talk. She was so very quiet and we were terrified what was running through her mind. Carter was her best friend. They were 18 months apart and she was only 10 when she lost her brother. After a month or so, Dr. Cox pulled my husband aside and said that Caroline simply wasn’t ready to receive help at that time. Make no mistake, things would eventually come to a head and she would need to talk and get it out, but she simply wasn’t at that point yet and it wasn’t fair to continue to charge us for therapy sessions that insurance wouldn’t cover if he was unable to help her. He shared that from his own personal experience, it took about 3 years for him to get to the point where he was triggered one day in school and then became receptive and open to deal with his father’s passing. This past month has marked 3 years since Carter’s passing. I wonder if the same thing will be true for our daughter being triggered by something at school and then needing therapy to help her process it. She’s now in the school district where she was before her world turned upside down. She will be surrounded by classmates who remember what happened and who may refer to it. She hasn’t had bad dreams in years but they’re back. I think it’s due to all of the changes and just fear of the unknown. The harsh reality is that despite our best intentions, so much of what happens in this life is out of our control. That’s hard for people like my daughter and me who crave routines, schedules, and predictability.

At the end of the day, I know she will be OK. I call her our steel magnolia. She’s literally the strongest and most resilient person that I know. I’m trusting that the Lord will guide her steps and speak peace to her heart as she navigates through this year especially. She has Him as her foundation, and she knows that her Daddy and I would move heaven and earth if we could to help her. She’s fiercely independent and doesn’t rely on others very much- she has a good head on her shoulders and will do just fine. I keep telling myself these things because as her mother it’s hard letting go. I want to protect her from all the things.

I’m still enjoying being able to stay at home and not be in the classroom for now. I never thought I could say that, because I poured my heart and soul into teaching for 15 years. I posted a photo on Instagram last night of the first day of school 5 weeks after Carter’s passing- I had obviously been crying but was trying to smile and send a photo to my husband letting him know I was OK and that I was relying on Christ’s strength to get me through the hard day. That year I made a Power Point and shared it with students like I always did to give them insight into my background and personal life. It’s important that students know that their teachers are real people, too, with real emotions and lives. That year I had to share that we had lost Carter and through my tears I told them that I was going to do my best each day to be the teacher I had always been but I’d be lying if I told them I wouldn’t have hard days. They were so kind and good to me. That is, up until the last semester when I had a few problem students who just sent me over the edge. I was stressed out, exhausted, and didn’t have anything left in the tank. I moved to another school district and taught there for a year until I had my daughter, Carlen, and decided to step away for 3-5 years to focus on healing, being a mother first and foremost, and to find strength to continue molding minds and shaping the future generation which was never just a job for me. It was a calling and one that I hope to return to one day. In sharing that photo of me smiling through tears that year, I encouraged parents last night to show grace to their child’s teachers.

As educators, we get hammered on the regular about showing grace to our students and their families. We’re told that we never know the full picture. We know that some of our kids face situations at home that are heartbreaking and unimaginable. We bend over backwards to help and try to make a difference any way we can. Teachers spend hours upon hours of their personal time outside of school to better themselves, make connections with their students, and use their own finances and resources to help in ways where they can make an impact. It’s overwhelming and never-ending. It’s hard but they do it because they care and they know that what they do matters.

It’d be nice if society felt the same way. Back before quarantine hit the nation, teachers were in the middle of the daily grind just doing their thing. All of a sudden, some parents saw firsthand the challenges of teaching their own children when distance learning became an actual thing. Some went to social media and swore up and down that teachers were heroes and that by the time fall rolled around and things were back to normal that they would give them whatever they wanted. No complaints. Yet fall is here and we have some parents who still don’t “get it”. They continue to put unreasonable expectations on teachers and expect more and more while politicians give less and less. It’s infuriating.

Thank you to all of you who go out of your way to be supportive of educators and the profession as a whole. It doesn’t go unnoticed. For those who are quick to point fingers at teachers when things don’t go the way their vision hopes for, I have a few suggestions that I know for a fact would be beneficial for all parties which include the following-

1. When in doubt, go directly to the source. If your child comes home and tells a tale about the day that rubs you the wrong way, gets your blood pressure rising, etc. remember that little Johnny and little Junebug may not be telling you the raw and unfiltered version of events. There’s probably a lot of truth with a little editing mixed in. Keep that in mind before you fire off a heated email to the teacher, or worse, ignore the teacher completely and contact the principal.
2. Speaking of emails, it was always my preferred method of contact initially because there is a record of communication that way. Phone calls are also good, but they can get tedious when teachers are trying to make contact and numbers have been disconnected, voice mail inboxes are full, times are inconvenient because the parent is at work, etc. Email is always a safe bet. Just be sure that if you list that as your primary means of contact, then you actually have an account that you check daily or receive notifications.
3. If your child’s teacher has a strict cell phone policy, please be supportive and refrain from texting your student during class. Obviously if it’s an emergency, that’s one thing. However, you’d be amazed (or not) at how many times I had to reprimand a student for having a phone out during instruction just to find out that it was Mom or Dad texting about random shiz-nit (yes, I made up that word…trying to cut back on my potty mouth). If a phone is confiscated by the school, it’s not the end of the world. Come and pick it up and have a conversation with your kid about when and when it’s not appropriate to have devices. It’d be nice if you as the parent would set the example.
4. Realize that teachers are juggling classrooms with an excessive number of students in many cases with different learning styles and needs. In an effort to accommodate all, there are going to be projects and assignments that are not necessarily the best fit for each individual every single day. If you want tailored and individualized instruction for your unique child, then homeschooling may be your best bet.
5. Homework has its purpose when used effectively. There’s a difference between busy work and extended practice. Certain classes and subjects require additional practice applications to master skills. Repetition is key in subjects especially like math, foreign language, and the fine arts. Practice makes perfect. Simply going to class, taking notes, and then doing a group activity / worksheet won’t necessarily provide the foundation needed to be successful moving onto the next level. That’s where good homework comes in. If you disagree with the amount or the quality of it, then feel free to voice your concerns. You may have a valid point, but also listen to the teacher’s perspective.
6. If your child is being taught in a manner that is different from how you learned, please refrain from passing judgment onto the teacher. Many times teachers don’t like the methods the district is asking them to use (hello, Common Core), but their hands are tied and they are simply doing what the Powers that Be are demanding to ensure that students are best prepared to pass whatever standardized test is being utilized that given year. They WANT their students to succeed and are jumping through every hoop to make sure that happens. After all, if scores aren’t high enough then who gets the blame? They do. Obviously there’s more than one way to come up with the right answer, so by all means feel free to share your method of learning with your child but please don’t belittle what the teacher is trying to accomplish in the classroom by doing it a different way.
7. If a teacher sends out a request for supplies, try to accommodate if you can. Obviously times are hard. If you can’t, the teacher will find a way to make it work but when educators are asking for help, it’s because they need it. They’re not wanting a hand-out. Most have already spent their $275 stipend by the end of September and it’s not fair to expect them to spend their own money to purchase tissue, glue sticks, crayons, etc. for your student when they have their own children and families they are supporting.
8. Please, for the love of GOD, understand that teachers get paid during the summer only because they are on a salary and it is divided up into 12 monthly installments. So, they are not getting paid to sit by the pool and drink margaritas. They are getting paid for the work they have already done/will do during their contracted year. It’s a messed up mentality to think that they just get free checks to sit on their butts for 2.5 months. Here’s a newsflash- the month of June is primarily spent catching up on sleep and doing professional development to retain required certification. It passes by in a blur. July comes and that’s when a vacation may occur. Teachers may get to actually read for pleasure and eat a decent breakfast and lunch. They learn that their bladder DOES in fact need to be emptied periodically throughout the day, and for a lot of female educators, those pesky UTIs that are prevalent during the school year magically disappear in summer months. August rolls around and most are back in their classrooms early preparing to welcome students and create fun and positive learning environments.
9. Allow your student to suffer consequences. Stop questioning punishments or judgment calls by the teacher / principal. If Sam gets caught cheating on a test, Sam gets a zero. You don’t need to demand video surveillance or say that others have cheated, etc. Not all students are going to get caught doing the wrong things every time, but when they do, be supportive. Quit trying to save the day. Maybe they’ll actually learn their lesson the hard way and come away a better person for it.
10. Watch out closely for friendships your child forms. Know not only the kid your child is texting/hanging out with, but their parents also. Be very wary of overnight sleepovers. Some homes may allow things that you don’t. If your child has a phone with a data plan, have protocols and safety measures in place to try and prevent to the best of your ability their access to trash online.

It is currently around lunchtime and I have passed my morning by blogging, taking care of Carlen, and keeping my mind and hands occupied. It’s how I navigate through hard days like today. I struggle knowing what Carter is missing out on. It hurts to see his friends on social media living the life that he should be experiencing, but it helps when they comment on my posts and message me to say that he has not been forgotten and that he is missed by them, too. Their acknowledgment of the grief I choose to share means a lot to me. I continue to be amazed and thankful for the outpouring of love and support. Complete strangers have even reached out in recent months letting me know that they are praying for us. What a comfort to know we aren’t in this valley of hurt alone.

Dear Carter,

Today would have been the start of 10th grade for you, buddy! You would have your driver’s permit by now and no doubt tearing my nerves up by asking to drive to the store to get a gallon of milk or something else just to get out and on the roads. Your Aunt Haley is going through the process of IVF this month and in an effort to be supportive of her, I’ve been following various accounts of women who also struggle with infertility. One of them is currently in the early stages of pregnancy and made the comment that she just wishes her baby were already in her arms so that she could quit worrying. I wanted to comment (but I didn’t) that she has it all wrong…as much as she thinks she is worrying now about the growing baby in her womb, it is nothing compared to the worries that will follow. Bringing a newborn home, worrying about SIDS, constantly questioning if the choices you’re making as a parent are the best ones, etc.

I know that if you were still here with us, I’d be worrying about your first day just like I have been with Caroline who started high school today at the freshman campus. Were your teachers good? Did you have friends in your classes? Was the content going to be too challenging? (for you, probably not…my little Brainy Boy) Did the girl you had your eye on smile back at you or brush you off? Did you have a good lunch? Was anyone mean to you or ugly? Were you able to find all your classes or did you get lost? All these things would have ran through my mind and when I got to see you after your first day, I would have asked you a bazillion questions and you most likely would have given me one-word responses and then asked Caroline how her first day was. Y’all would have laughed and poked fun at each other in the backseat and probably argued some. Before coming home you would have leaned up against the car window and hummed along to songs on the radio until you dozed off. You would have been grumpy when we pulled into the garage and I had to wake you up. You would have gone straight to the sofa and taken a nap until Daddy got home and I cooked supper. I would have made you meat loaf, mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, and fried okra (Caroline’s favorite food) and let you pick out the dessert. It would have been a good day, Carterbug.

I’m sorry that you’re not here with us today to experience all those things. You should be here. Like the song by Cole Swindell states, “They say now you’re in a better place, and I would be, too, if I could see your face.”

I love you so much, buddy. You are missed and remembered not only today, but everyday. Until we meet again, I’m sending you a thousand Eskimo kisses to heaven and a big Boop poke in the arm.

Love Always,

Mama

P.S. To my followers, I guess this wasn’t a short post after all. I had more to say than I thought. 🙂 The picture that I’m sharing for today’s post is of Carter’s first day of middle school. Never in my worst of nightmares would I have imagined that it would be his last first day of school.