Delete

I know it has been a hot minute since my last post. Teaching at two brand-new schools, sustaining a pregnancy while juggling more appts. than the law should allow, having the baby (she’s so perfect, by the way- I know all Mamas think that, but she truly is), and then caring for a newborn have taken up time with none to spare. So many times over the course of this past year I have felt things deeply and longed to blog to get those thoughts and feelings out but couldn’t. Sleep prevailed. (I blog at night when the house is quiet). Now that the baby is sleeping through the night and I am starting to feel like a real human again instead of a walking zombie, I figured tonight (actually, this morning) would be a good chance to get back at it.

We recently experienced the 2-year mark of Carter’s passing. At this juncture I still can’t say certain things. For instance, I refer to his “passing” and not his “death.” He “passed away”- he didn’t “die”. He had a “memorial service”- not a “funeral.” His room still looks like he left it and could come back any day. His bathroom still looks the same with his toiletries still in the shower. All of those things are OK- it’s a process and one that I get to do my own way. One thing that I am learning is that it’s OK to grieve in a way that works for ME (regardless of how others do it)…talking about him, sharing memories, and writing help me in a way that nothing else does, so that’s what I keep doing. Some people don’t get it, don’t care to understand, or choose not to share in this journey with me. While it kinda stung and hurt at first, I have come to accept that not everyone is in my corner, and I am letting go of relationships that are hurtful, drain my time/energy, and leave me feeling sad.

Caroline is still a huge fan of WWE and there is one particular wrestler who is famous for the phrase “Delete”- he slashes the air with his bigger-than-life hands and proudly proclaims the word as fans cheer him on wildly. That word has come to mind several times over the past couple of months especially. Friendships that were toxic, family members who never reached out or acknowledged my feelings, and work environments that just didnt’ “work” anymore for me— guess what? They all got deleted.

Delete! Delete! Delete! Either something is in my life and lifts me up, strengthens me, and gives me purpose or it isn’t. Simple as that. Gone are the days when I try to please people at the risk of my own happiness. Gone are the days of hoping and waiting for relationships and love that are reciprocal all while doing more than my fair share. Gone are the days of waking up and giving more to others than I do for my own self and family. Delete! Delete! Delete!

Now I am focusing on nurturing relationships that are positive. I have no desire for negativity. I have stopped waiting around for people to show up and be present in my life. Either you love me and your actions prove it, or you don’t. You love my children (yes, all 3 of them- Carter, Caroline, and Carlen) and your actions prove it, or you don’t. You value me as a worker and seek to find ways to make my environment pleasant, or you don’t.

Nana had a stroke on January 18th and is currently in an assisted-living facility while trying to regain mobility and learn to walk again. It has been a rough patch. She has always, always been my greatest supporter and my rock. While mentally she is still as sharp as a tack, physically she can’t be there to help me nowadays, and it’s tough. I never truly realized how much I counted on her for all the things– big and small. I miss her presence in my life and the security in knowing that our shared DNA wasn’t the sole factor in me being important to her- the fact that her actions repeatedly showed that she cared made all the difference.

We dedicated our sweet baby to the Lord recently at our church. An open invite was extended on social media for anyone who wanted to take part in this special day. Not one blood relative on my side showed up. Nana is literally unable to walk/drive, so she had a free pass. BUT…I had neighbors who came. Friends came. Joseph’s family came (well, some of them did). The ones who didn’t come were missed but it was their loss. It was a morning rich in God’s favor, and being there would have been a blessing. They missed it. They miss a lot of things. Why?  Because we aren’t priorities to them.

You make time for what you want. You do what you want to do. Simple as that.

I’m not bitter although it may appear on the contrary. I have just come to accept that my time is valuable, my feelings are valid, and I owe no apologies to anyone for feeling the way that I do. If I don’t respond to texts, return calls, or reply to messages, it’s because I have determined who is in my corner, who is on the sidelines just there to see what is going on, and who is in the parking lot. A lot of people on social media are just on the sidelines, which is fine. They keep up with me and my life by what I post, and some click the “like/love” buttons, react with emojis, and write comments… all which are simple forms of acknowledgement which go a long way. I appreciate each and every one. A select few are actually in my corner…they text/call me, show up, and do tangible things to encourage my hurting heart. Each act of kindness and genuine display of care and concern mean the world to me. A heck of a lot of people are in the parking lot with their backs turned away. They don’t come near my family nor me unless it’s convenient for them and it’s on their timeline, they aren’t there to offer hugs or a shoulder to cry on, and they are repeatedly silent. Nothing to say and nothing to do. Delete! Delete! Delete!

So, that’s where I’m at mentally. Long update, I know. Can you tell this has been brewing/festering? Sorry. Actually, no, I’m not. They’re my feelings, and I made a promise to be authentic on here. It is what it is.

Physically… I’m trying to lose baby weight, eat all the right things, exercise more…you know, all the things you’re supposed to do but that are SO FRIGGIN’ HARD. Ya girl here loves her some Oreos and milk at 2AM. I’m eating more carbs and sugar now than I ever have because I had gestational diabetes and had to cut way back on those for the latter half of my pregnancy. Now I’m making up for lost time and packing on pounds to prove it. Ugh…every Monday morning I’m determined to stay on track and not eat all the things but by 10 AM I’m starving and raiding the pantry for a Christmas Tree Debbie Cake. Yes, those are actual things in July. Praise the Lord. I’m pretty sure those Little Debbies are turning me into a Big Debra but being bad never felt (or tasted) so good. I see my rheumatologist next week to try and get my RA meds back on track. I never went to my post-op appt. with my obstetrician because she royally ticked me off, so I am searching for a new practice. Other than the fact that my joints are deteriorating and I’m fatter than ever, physically I’m fine. It’s fine. EVERYTHING IS JUST DANDY.

Financially…I quit teaching. Yep, you read that right. Just figured it was time to get the heck out of Dodge and focus on sweet baby Carlen since time passes by so quickly. I went back to work 6 weeks after having Carter and Caroline, and while doing that was the best decision for me at those times in my life (I was 23 and 24), now…not so much. I’m older now and just have a different perspective. At 37, I want time to slow down. I want to savor those moments at home when I get to experience all the baby’s “firsts” and be the kind of Mama to Caroline that I’ve never had the chance to be before because I was investing in other people’s children…you know, the kind that shows up with snacks after school in the pick-up line, the kind that gets to go on field trips, the kind that can join their child at lunch on special occasions, the kind that gets to make breakfast in the mornings and actually has a chance to sit while eating it, the kind that can rock a baby to sleep any time of the day. Those are things my heart longed to be able to do, and thankfully, my husband was on board and is putting in extra time and effort at his work to make sure we don’t eat Ramen Noodles for the next 5 years.

So that’s my update for now. I’m still standing. Stubborn as ever. Battling the world, flesh, and the devil…gosh, it’s so hard. I fail every day. But I keep trying. It helps to have people in my life who cheer me on. You know who you are.