Joy in the Morning

We are thrilled and beyond overjoyed to be able to finally reveal that we are expecting a baby due to arrive sometime around Easter 2019. A BABY, y’all! A little bundle of joy that is already bringing such joy and smiles through the tears. To be able to witness God’s hand at work in all of this and to know that He has had a plan for this baby from the very get-go is simply awesome, and I can’t wait to share how the Lord has been at work in our lives for the past year. It’s a long story (as most of mine are, #sorrynotsorry), but I promise it’ll be worth the read!

Most who are reading this blog have no idea that the very week of Carter’s passing last July I was actually scheduled to have a hysterectomy. As a matter of fact, the very morning he passed away I was supposed to be at the hospital for my pre-op appt. after dropping him off to attend camp. He passed away on the 10th…my surgery was supposed to have been on the 12th. My Pastor’s wife knew about that appt. and at some point that morning when she was with me at our neighbor’s house she asked me if I needed her to call and cancel it. I told her yes, and she did that for me. Here’s the thing…the lady who took that call wound up being the very sister of the woman who is buried right above Carter.

For those who don’t know the story of how we came to decide on Carter’s resting spot, there was a young woman named Meredith who died as a result of a brain tumor in July 2013, and on her grave marker it has her picture and the quote “Always Smiling”. She was beautiful and radiant, and because she was unable to have children of her own before cancer took her life, it gave me peace knowing that someone who would have made an excellent mother is right above my boy watching over him until I can be laid to rest beside him one day. After making the post public on FB about coming to our decision where to put him to rest, someone recognized that we were talking about Meredith and tagged her sister in it…suddenly, there was an immediate connection with a worker at my OBGYN and Carter’s story.

The sister’s name is Tracy, and a few weeks after the funeral when I had returned back to school she called me one morning from the doctor’s office wanting to know if I wanted to reschedule my hysterectomy. I immediately started crying and told her no…I couldn’t go through a life-altering surgery that would render me barren if there was even a smidgen of hope that I could somehow conceive later on. I just didn’t have peace about going through with it, but I had no idea how Joseph would take my decision. I already had family asking me when I was going to reschedule the surgery, and I had kept the reason for postponing it largely to myself…even thinking of the possibility of another child sounded so disloyal to Carter, and I was struggling with that. He could NEVER be replaced, and I felt like if I said I wanted to try for another baby at some point to give Caroline a sibling, then I would be judged for that. I had just buried my child! I told Tracy that I wasn’t ready to reschedule it, and she completely understood and told me to take my time. In the meantime, I needed to come in to see my OBGYN to remove my birth control implant (I was having problems with it after 3 years and it was supposed to have been removed during the surgery) and to discuss whether or not he thought it would even be worth it to try and conceive since RA meds may have greatly affected my fertility odds over the past 7 years.

That appt. was in Aug. 2017 just one month after Carter’s passing. Dr. Toler, my OBGYN, innocently asked me as soon as he came in and looked over my chart why the surgery was cancelled. Here I was with nothing but a flimsy gown covering me and my feet in stirrups having to tell him that my 12-year-old precious son had just taken his own life…I’ll never forget the look of shock on his face. I had rendered him speechless and he couldn’t apologize fast enough. He quickly proceeded with the exam and IUD removal and then took me to his office where we discussed at length my chances of conceiving when we felt like it was time to try. He seemed to be cautiously optimistic because I had conceived so easily with Carter and Caroline, but due to my age and the meds I had been taking for RA, he said we may have to consult a reproductive specialist at some point. He also encouraged me to think about adoption and gave me the card of a good lawyer. In the meantime, he took me off of the methotrexate, the low dose form of chemotherapy that is considered a Class X drug, because it is a huge no-no while pregnant or trying to conceive. Now I was nervous…I had been on that drug for 7 years. It’s one of the reasons I was able to even walk. Was this going to lead to more problems for me down the road? I knew I needed a second opinion, so my rheumatologist was the next stop.

Dr. Patel wanted to know why all of a sudden I was asking about pregnancy odds at my age and with my disease. I had to go through the whole spiel again and through my tears pleaded with him to give me a straight answer. If he didn’t think it was a good idea to try for a baby at some point, then I would try to accept that and move on. He quickly assured me that it was safe for me to try and that even with RA my chances of having a healthy pregnancy were pretty high since many women with autoimmune diseases actually go into remission while pregnant…somehow the body knows to stop flipping out and attacking itself since a baby is growing inside of it. Hearing this gave me hope. Now it was time to share with Joseph.

I was scared to have an actual conversation with him about it. Talking isn’t my strong suit. Writing is, so I literally texted him from work one afternoon and told him that I had the IUD removed and that I wasn’t having the surgery. I pressed SEND and then waited. I had no idea how he would respond. Within minutes, his text came through that said decisions like that were totally mine…it was my body and if I didn’t want the surgery then he would support me. If I didn’t want the birth control, then I didn’t have to have it. His main concern was for my health…his greatest fear was that being off meds would set me back. I told him we would take things one day at a time and just see how my body responded.

One day after school I had a co-worker from down the hall come visit me, and she seemed a little hesitant to tell me that she had picked out a gift and would like to give it to me. We weren’t close friends…more like acquaintances and we didn’t talk all that much. I could tell she was uncomfortable but I listened as she told me that she had spotted a painting at a store a few hours away and felt compelled to buy it for me but talked herself out of the purchase because it was large and she wasn’t sure how I would perceive it. Well, she came back home and then saw that SAME painting in a local store and it was like she knew right then that she had to get it. It was the last one, so she grabbed it up. Again, I could tell she was nervous showing it to me, and she said that she wasn’t sure exactly how I would interpret it, but it could have several meanings and she just knew that this painting was meant for me. She then proceeded to turn it over, and I was stunned. It depicted an angel holding a newborn baby. Immediately I knew that this was one of my “signs” that I was on the right track…I saw that angel as Carter and that baby as part of our future and it spoke volumes to me. I will forever treasure that piece of art. Currently it is hanging at the top of the stairs between Carter’s room and Caroline’s old one, but I have plans to incorporate it into the baby’s nursery. It’s just so special and full of meaning. The reality is that this baby wouldn’t exist had Carter not passed away and for me, that picture represents both of them in perfect peace and love.

February rolled around and that’s the month that Carter would have turned 13- such an emotional time and also a time when we felt truly at peace about trying to conceive for real. Caroline sent a text to her Daddy that left us cracking up as well. She was at a neighbor’s house up the street and used her friend’s phone to text her Daddy to tell him that she was going to stay up there for a while to give us some “alone time” because she “wanted a baby sister.” We hadn’t said a word about trying to have a baby to her. This was totally out of the blue, but it made us feel good to know that she was open to the thought of another sibling. We knew she was lonely. Carter was her very best friend for 10 years. He was all she knew- her playmate, her sharer of secrets, her defender, her hero…how he was missed by everyone, but Caroline’s loss was unique. We desperately wanted to be able to give her something to find joy in…basketball, volleyball, cheerleading, a new school, and friends could only take her so far. Somehow we felt that a new baby in the house would be healing for her heart as well as for ours.

That month I decided to start using ovulation predictor sticks to make sure that I was timing my cycle correctly. To my surprise, I discovered that I was ovulating later in my cycle than I had suspected…more like on day 19 instead of 14. If you are reading this and trying to conceive, I highly recommend using those sticks. I didn’t want to spend the money on them at first, because I thought I knew my own cycle well enough, but Joseph found a super pack on Amazon, and we used them for months and still have half a box left. Anyway, even with the ovulation tests we weren’t getting positive pregnancy tests and each month that my period came I felt defeated. I tried not to let it get me down. I knew “these things take time,” but as any woman can attest who’s ready to have a baby, every month slows to a crawl while you wait for two weeks to see if Aunt Flo is coming. When she arrives, you feel like a failure. Joseph was disappointed but trying not to let it show, and I’d just cry a little and feel sorry for myself and then gear up for the next month. Keeping hope alive and all that jazz…

June rolled around, and I had another routine appt. with my OBGYN. At this appt. he decided to refer me to Preg, a local reproductive specialist, since we had actively been trying with no success. Normally, you’d wait for a year or two before a referral, but I think Dr. Toler knew how badly we were longing for this baby and felt compassion…he used the excuses of my age and RA as being reasons for the referral. I was a little anxious about the expense, and I didn’t know if Joseph would support me wanting to get outside help. However, he reluctantly agreed to go for an initial consultation.

When we got there it was information overload. The doctor there immediately suggested IVF which I thought was crazy. That’s the most expensive option and I couldn’t figure out why we would start there when there were cheaper and more affordable methods to try first. We came home determined not to go into tons of debt trying for this baby…we had agreed to initial blood work and baseline scans but that was it.

I was supposed to go back in July but vacations in Savannah and New York interfered with that appt. Sometime towards the end of that month I got a devastating phone call. The nurse left me a voice mail basically stating that my estradiol hormone level was through the roof and they wanted me to come back in Aug. for a repeat test just to confirm the results. Basically it could mean that my ovarian reserve was low and that I didn’t have many eggs left. Even with fertility meds my chances of conceiving would be slim. I just cried. I couldn’t understand why I had such a strong desire for a baby when it seemed like the Lord was closing that door. I texted a few friends who had been helping me pray about trying to conceive and broke the news. We were going to stop pursuing fertility help. There was no point.

YET…the Lord kept speaking to my heart and telling me that hope was not lost. I kept going to church and getting affirmations from the messages that my God was bigger than any of our circumstance, He can do the impossible, He can make a way when there seems to be no way, etc. I just kept thinking that maybe we should go back for that repeat test just to see. It wasn’t going to be that expensive after all. They wanted Joseph to give a semen analysis and I was supposed to report to Greenville for a test where they would insert dye into my cervix and uterus to ensure that my Fallopian tubes were open. That appt. was scheduled for Friday, Sept. 14th.

On Monday, Sept. 10th I went to Caroline’s basketball game at her school and got extremely sick on the way home. I couldn’t even go to sleep that night because the nausea was so bad. I am never nauseous, so at some point that night while laying on the couch I had the thought that maybe I should take a pregnancy test. I had one left in the package, but I didn’t want to “waste it.” Before, when I had taken the tests, my period came the very next day, so part of me just wanted to wait. Since Joseph was already at work and Caroline was asleep, I decided to go ahead and do it because if it was negative I would just chunk it in the trash and no one would be the wiser.

Y’all, as soon as I dipped that stick into my urine it immediately turned into a dark blue plus sign. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I just kept staring at it with the biggest smile on my face thinking, “This is the best feeling in the world.” I immediately texted Joseph for him to call me because his 2AM break was coming up. He called right away and I told him…he had me repeat myself 3 times. He was in shock, too. He kept asking me, “You’re pregnant?” I kept saying, “Yes, babe, yes…I’m pregnant!” I then texted him the positive pregnancy test and he said there was no doubt about it with the line being so dark.

Next thing on the agenda was to let my friend Stephanie know. She goes to our church and works in the Preg office. She told me to come in the very next day for blood work. Anything higher than a 10 would be good. Apparently in early pregnancy hormones are doubling each day, so whatever that number was in a few days it would double and just keep growing from there. We needed to get that base number. Y’all, she texted me within two hours of that appt. and said she had good news. My number was over 8,000. I didn’t know what that meant, but she said the nurse would call the next day and explain it, but not to worry…that number was awesome.

When the nurse called she said there was no way I was just 4-6 weeks. I had to be at least 8-9 which meant I had to have conceived in July.  I didn’t understand how. I mean, I knew how, but I had had a period the month of Aug. I had even gone in for an ultrasound on Aug. 7th as part of my fertility appt. that month to check my ovaries and there was no baby present. The doctor had said that he saw my follicles on my ovaries looking like they were maturing getting ready to release an egg. That was a good appt. and I felt hopeful after leaving. “You mean I was already pregnant?” I asked her. It didn’t make any sense!

Turns out I was only 3-4 weeks pregnant at the time of that ultrasound which is why the baby didn’t show up. Those follicles on my ovaries were actually cysts that had formed after successful ovulation. That elevated estradiol hormone level was because I was already pregnant- NOT because I had a low ovarian reserve. My “period” that never fully came on the month of Aug. was just heavy spotting. I’m so glad that I didn’t know I was pregnant while I spotted so heavily. It would have made me a nervous wreck. The Lord spared me from all of that! I was 2 months along already and we were scheduled for an ultrasound the very next day!

I was a nervous wreck all day. Anxious doesn’t begin to describe it. As soon as the ultrasound began and I saw our miracle baby appear on the screen, the tears just started flowing. I couldn’t stop crying and saying, “Thank You, Lord. THANK YOU.” Joseph immediately pulled out his phone and started recording what he was seeing on the screen. The baby’s heartbeat was 165 and you could see it just beating away. I am in awe and still am. It’s a moment I will never forget.

The next week I went back in for another ultrasound because I had more spotting, and I just wanted peace of mind knowing that the baby was OK. There’s a place off of HWY 9 behind Copper River Grill that does them for pretty cheap, and I went that day with a sick feeling thinking that something was wrong and that I wouldn’t be able to see my baby. I was trying to brace myself for the worst. Yet, as soon as the image appeared on the screen, I was once again filled with wonder. Our little baby was alive and well with a strong heartbeat. Everything was OK. The technician there asked why I had come in that day and I shared with her the story of how the baby came to be and about Carter. She then shared that she had lost her brother to suicide years ago, and she understood how hard that kind of loss is on a family. I think that Lord allowed me to go to that appt. just to share Carter’s story with her and to relate to her pain on some level. I really do believe that. I haven’t had any spotting whatsoever since that day.

Things have been progressing well each week. I am exhausted everyday, but that probably has to do more with teaching 113 middle schoolers than being pregnant at 36. I don’t have morning sickness usually. I tend to get nauseous late afternoon or at night, especially if I go too long without eating. I have lost 10 pounds instead of gaining, which is huge for me. I blow up when pregnant, so I am trying really, really hard to watch everything I eat. I’ve not eaten this well EVER. I’m hoping to keep my weight gain to less than 20 pounds because I am already overweight and don’t want my blood pressure to be a problem. So far I crave cold Minute Maid juice pops, fruit cups and Jello (hello, nails! Nice to see you!), water, and milk. The last two things are so funny. I HATE milk normally, and I usually only want water if I can put Crystal Light in it, but I don’t want to consume fake sugar right now, so I’ve been “roughing it” and surprisingly it’s actually what my body craves.

I’m starting to sport a little baby bump, so I can’t keep the secret any longer. We are telling everyone this afternoon. Joseph wanted to me share the news on the blog so you guys will be hearing it first as followers before I share the blog on social media later on today. We are so happy that we have something exciting to share. We told Caroline a few weeks ago, and she was stunned at first and didn’t know what to say. She wants the baby to be a girl, but she has said that little boys are the sweetest around 3 years old, so I think she is good either way. She will be an amazing big sister…she’s always been so nurturing and loving with babies and littles at our church. She was able to go with us to our 12 week ultrasound with Dr. Toler this week and lit up when she saw the baby moving around like crazy and saw the heartbeat on the screen.

She’s also learning about human growth and development in her Life Skills class at school, so sometimes she comes home with questions that are pretty cool because she can connect what she’s seeing in a textbook with this pregnancy. It’ll be so neat for her to experience this with us. I was also her age when my sister was born, and I remember being in awe of feeling the baby kick and seeing all the changes that my Mama underwent.

I have been referred to Maternal Fetal Medicine for an appt. with a genetic counselor and a more in-depth ultrasound this upcoming week. I don’t see a real need for the genetic counseling, because it won’t change anything. This baby is ours and we’re keeping it regardless of what a test may show, but if something is wrong and there’s things we can do to help our baby’s chances in utero, then of course we want to do that. Dr. Toler says everything looks great so far, so this appt. is more like something we have to just “check off” since they are routinely scheduled for women like me who are ‘of advanced maternal age”, lol. The good part is that we get some more cool ultrasounds of our baby, and we relish those opportunities!

Thank you for following our journey and for continued prayers on our behalf. We continue to be so blessed with such an outpouring of love and support. I just have to share a card that came in the mail just last week out of the blue from some friends of ours whom we haven’t seen in forever and don’t get to speak to often. This card’s message was so on point that it took my breath away when I opened it. “Remember that even those ‘gray days’ include tiny MIRACLES that help us see through tomorrow.” It included the Bible verse from Romans 8:28- “We know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”

Amen and amen! This little baby was conceived during July- a month of forever mourning in our family as we relive the devastating impact of Carter’s loss. There’s a void that will never be filled and we will ache with it until the day we die. God, in His infinite mercy and grace, has perfect timing. The baby is due the day after Easter- a season that represents new life and hope- where all things are made new from death unto life. I just stand in awe of the goodness and greatness of God and want to thank Him publicly for everything He has done. He’s so good. So worthy of all glory, honor, and praise. Blessed be the name of the Lord!