Angel Catcher 2.0

Joseph and I have recently enjoyed a thoroughly wonderful vacation in Savannah while Caroline was at a week-long camp. He knew that I was struggling badly a month ago and texted me from work one night letting me know that he had booked a trip for just the two of us in one of our favorite cities. We had been there as newlyweds back in 2003 and remembered it fondly for the peace and tranquility it brought. We desperately needed to feel that way again and were eager to get away for a few days.  It was just what the doctor ordered. There’s just something about the slowness of the South, the charm of idyllic streets in towns like Charleston and Savannah, the rich history that surrounds you, etc. that make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Plus, did I mention the food? Good Lord, it was amazing. Southern cuisine is hands-down simply the best. Period. End of discussion.

We returned and picked Caroline up from camp yesterday afternoon at 2:00 (in her words, she had a BLAST and can’t wait to return next year), and then we got all dolled up for my sister’s wedding at 7:00. It has been a whirlwind of activity since returning home, but that has been good for us. We need the distractions. Keeping busy is the best thing for us right now, and I am thankful for the opportunities to get out of the house and do something that briefly gets my mind off of Carter’s last days. It’s so very painful reliving the memories of his last week, but at the same time, I don’t want to forget a moment spent with him. Every single second is precious, and I’m doing all I can to hold each one close in my heart and mind.

I haven’t blogged while on vacation, but I have been posting some memories on FB. One was Carter’s last photo taken on the front porch of our house on the evening of July 4th. I had taken it using my IPhone and almost deleted it bc of the poor lighting and the fact that it was blurry. I had asked him to smile for me, and he had given me a little half grin. I remember looking through pics on my phone a few mins. later while sitting on my wooden rocker waiting for the fireworks to start and coming across that one photo and briefly pondered whether to keep it or not.

However, what kept me from erasing it was that for the first time ever I literally had the thought, “What if this is his last photo?” I swear that thought ran through my mind clear as a bell. I can’t even think of a reason why I would have thought that- there was no indication whatsoever that anything was wrong or that I would no longer have opportunities to snap pics as I had always done. It wasn’t just intuition, either- it was a literal voice inside my head asking a question that I quickly dismissed as crazy. I mean, who even thinks such a thing? I never told anyone about it until the other morning in Savannah after Joseph had seen the post about that picture on FB. He said it was like the Lord kept me from deleting it…that’s when I shared with him that yes, it was absolutely the Lord nudging me to save it. He knew how precious it would become to us. I’m so thankful the Lord is in every little detail. He’s the God of the big and small.

While thinking about his last photo, I remembered that I had written in my Angel Catcher grief journal an entry about our last conversation. I’d like to share that one on here along with a few  others that are more recent. I feel like I need to do so for two reasons: 1) to honor and remember him this week, and 2) to help me process feelings that are very difficult. I’m doing all this publicly to keep his memory alive and to share my pain. Some people keep theirs bottled up inside, but I can’t do that. It’ll destroy me, so this is my release. Writing things out and sharing with others is how I’m coping. I can’t actually TALK about hardly any of it. I realize that it doesn’t work that way for everyone, but it’s what works for me right now, which is why I continue doing it. Whatever it takes to survive this pain.

10-23-17: “You Said / I Said”

This was our last conversation…We were on our way home from Sun. evening church  service and you wanted to stop by Academy to get a swim shirt. On the way home you asked to stop and get something to eat, but you were adamant about not going to Los Cabos- you said OK when Daddy suggested QT pizza. You wanted supreme pizza, so that’s what we ordered. While waiting in the car I tried making small talk with you and I remember asking if you were excited for school to start back next month. I remember telling you that you and Daddy needed to go to the golf course soon so that you could practice your game. I told you not to worry if you didn’t make the JV golf team for Dorman as a 7th-grader this year- you could always try again next year. Around this time a young girl with booty shorts walked into QT and a few seconds later, all of a sudden you just HAD to “check on Daddy and Caroline,”😂 so you got out of the car and went inside. We teased you afterwards and you said you thought it was Riley from school because she wore her hair like that girl and we were like, “Carter- you weren’t looking at her HAIR.” 😂 

Later that evening after we had all eaten and you and I were the only ones still awake, you came back downstairs and went to the fridge. You were struggling to get the pizza box out, and I asked if you needed help with it. This image is burned into my brain-you with your back to me in your little white undershirt and gray boxer briefs pulling on that big box. It was making a little racket, and I was irritated bc I couldn’t hear the TV. I don’t remember saying anything hurtful or harsh, but maybe it was my tone when I asked if you needed help?  I keep going back to that moment and how I was frustrated with the noise and it kills me. You said that you didn’t need help. I’m pretty sure you nibbled on some more pizza before sliding the box back in the fridge. A minute later, you passed me on the sofa- I was laying down with my body facing the kitchen. You told me that you were going to head on to bed. Your last words to me were, “Good night. Love you? (I think you said this, but maybe it’s just my wishful thinking). See you in the morning.”  You said these things as you were passing me kind of nonchalantly. I wish I would have gotten up and given you a big hug and kiss goodnight. I did that on many nights, but not that one, and it hurts. I love you, Carter. So much. You gave the best hugs ever, because you would rub up and down lightly on my back and hold on until I let go first. You never were the first to pull away. Did you already know what you were going to do at that point? If so, then why didn’t you let me hug you and kiss you one last time? Why didn’t YOU want one last hug and kiss from me? I’d like to think that at that point in the evening/early morning you hadn’t made your decision. I just don’t know. I wish I knew, buddy.

12-30-17: “Watching You Go”

Watching you go was … not an option for me. You were already gone when Caroline and I discovered you around 7:30AM on a Monday morning. As soon as I saw you I remember screaming your name and rushing to you. I was afraid to touch you but I remember lightly holding your hand. I didn’t think to even check for a pulse. 

I wanted to say…WHY?! Why did you do this? Why didn’t you say something? Were you afraid to go to camp? Was somebody being mean to you? Had you been hurt somehow and kept that hidden from us? When did you take the steps to end your life? Was it when Caroline and I took JoJo for a walk or when I went back to jog? WHY?!

I wanted you to say..the reason why you made your choice and maybe it would help bring us some closure but Daddy doesn’t want us to know after talking it over with the SLED investigator who was able to rule out some of our suspicions. We’re choosing to bear the burden of not knowing so that you can rest in peace. You didn’t want us to know, and we’re trying to do right by you and your memory.

At the time I felt…utter confusion and still do to some degree. You were always so happy and joyful. I have hundreds of pictures to prove that. You seemed excited to go to camp and packed your own suitcase the night before. You even saved the red shirt that Daddy bought for you at Academy to take to camp and hung it up in your closet- like you didn’t want to ruin it at camp by getting it dirty and you were saving it to wear when you came back- red was your favorite color. You didn’t leave us a note to tell us goodbye. The SLED investigator says that isn’t unusual…it’s just how Hollywood likes to portray suicides. Were you mad at me? Was it something I said that triggered your actions that night? I just don’t understand! 

Now I feel…some closure knowing it was a moral battle in your mind and that your suicide wasn’t because you were being bullied, had endured physical or emotional abuse that we didn’t know about, or were struggling with any sexuality issues (some peers had suggested maybe that was what led to it because you were so particular about your clothes and musically and artistically gifted- what a sad state of our culture that a boy can’t be more interested in music and art rather than sports without people assuming he is gay- oh, and if he makes it a point to dress nice and smell good, well, then, he must be a flaming homo). I swear, the more I live the more I actually despise  people. 

We were told that the moral conflict you battled was relatively short-term, lasting about 6 weeks, and affected you and nobody else. The investigator said it wasn’t even that huge…maybe a 4 on a scale of 1 to 10. But you were so tender, so very good, so sensitive. The devil had you thinking that you somehow weren’t good enough or that you had done something unforgivable, which simply was not true, buddy. It was a lie straight from the pits of hell. I am so very sorry.

1-1-18: “When I Heard”

When I heard you were gone, I…heard our neighbor from across the street (who happens to be a paramedic and had overslept that morning when normally he would have already been at work) call in a code to the dispatch unit, and although I knew you were already gone, it just cemented that fact and I shut down. NOW it was real. I remember him going upstairs to see you for a few minutes and then he came back down and stood behind me on the sofa. He knew Daddy was on the way home because Daddy was the one who called him to come over and check on me after I notified him on his route to come home immediately because something had happened. I remember this sweet man, the mayor of our little town who is now like family to us, kneeling over me behind the couch and praying, “Lord Jesus, please help. Please, please help.” He then told me that the Preacher should come. I looked up his contact info. on my phone and handed it to him to break the news. I needed to hear someone just SAY it. Until then, all I had heard were codes and numbers. I was waiting for him to say that you were gone. When he did, a part of me died that very moment. After the call was made, I remember him looking at me and telling me that sometimes when these things happen, the autopsy shows that there was a tumor on the brain…something unseen that would have caused such an unbelievable tragedy. I remember thinking that maybe that was it- I didn’t want you to have a tumor on your brain, but oh my God, what else would have made you do this? I stayed on the long part of the sofa and refused to move. Even when the paramedics arrived and they came downstairs with you (I’m assuming on a stretcher with a sheet covering your body like in the movies), I didn’t look. I couldn’t. I was so scared to see that image and was doing all I knew to protect myself from it. I just stared straight ahead out our window. I remember snuggling up to Caroline and promising her that we were going to be OK…somehow we were going to be OK. She was so very quiet.

I felt…like I couldn’t feel anything. It must have been shock. I remember looking at Joseph with tears and asking, “Why don’t I feel anything?” The police officers were all staring at me from the kitchen where they had gathered. I could feel judgment coming across in waves. I was terrified. I felt like my every action was being scrutinized, and I was so very, very numb. Sunlight was filtering through the blinds and highlighting all of the crumbs on the kitchen island. So many crumbs. Why was I noticing crumbs when my entire world had shattered?

7-8-18: “Remembering”

I am remembering where I was when I heard the news. The first thing I did was…run down the stairs to call 911 on the house phone. It’s the only phone call I’ve ever made using that phone. I don’t even know why we have a landline. My mind was reeling. I already knew it was too late. I remember the exact point when racing down the stairs that I had the thought, “Carter is dead. He is dead.” 

The hardest thing for me today is…reliving your last night since it fell on a Sunday and today is Sunday. There are so many parallels. Or church youth is getting ready to depart tomorrow for the same camp you were supposed to attend. The church is taking up special offerings to help offset the cost just like last year. Everytime I hear the preacher make an announcement about the camp, read the reminders in the church bulletin, or even hear Bro. Mark Stroud’s name (one of your favorite preachers and director of the camp), it just takes me right back. I just have to get through today. Church friends have invited us to eat dinner with them before we head out on a road trip to honor you. I will eat and try to be happy- you always enjoyed social get-togethers with our friends.

Here’s how my head feels…I am trying to keep busy, so I can’t sleep even though I am really tired bc there’s a lot to do to prepare for our trip this morning. I feel like it’s best for us to be out of the house this week- probably the healthiest thing but a part of me has a strong desire to stay. I feel like I need to be here at home. It’s where you were. I need to be close to your resting spot. Part of you is out there, and I long to be close to you any way that I can this week.

My heart feels…hopeful that things are going to be OK. I know that we have a fun, busy trip ahead of us doing so many things that you would have loved and enjoyed seeing. We are going to do our best to make new memories as a family to honor and remember you.

Here’s what I am going to do to remember you today…I am wearing blue butterfly earrings that a friend custom-made for me, the blue butterfly necklace that Daddy bought me for our anniversary last August, and the blue butterfly bracelet you gave me for Mother’s Day.

We have flowers placed at the front of the church on the communion table in love and remembrance of you, and there is a write up in the bulletin stating their purpose. Pastor asked me to write it once I texted him and asked permission to have them displayed, and it informs people that the 12 red roses are there to represent your earthly life with 1 white rose to symbolize one year spent in Heaven.

You are SO very loved, Carter. Our hearts are aching. We are all missing you and longing for that day in the sweet by and by when all tears shall be wiped away and there’ll only be rejoicing forevermore. What a day that will be!