Angel Catcher 1.0

Angel Catcher is the name of the grief journal that was given to me in the early days after Carter’s passing. The author, Amy Eldon Turteltaub, states that creating a journal of remembrance is a very personal and private thing, and that there are no rules for how to use it. The pages don’t need to be filled in any particular order and it should be completed at one’s own pace.

Well, I am a logical person, so of course I started with the first entry. I’ve only completed 9 of them so far. It’s a unique journal because it gives me freedom to write out raw emotions by guiding me through printed prompts, but it also allows me to share happy memories and pictures. It prompts me to make lists for certain things, which is a huge help when my brain is such a muddled mess. I know that as painful and as difficult as it is for me to do, I also need to process the events of that tragic day, and the journal affords me the opportunity to do so privately, for which I am grateful. I won’t share publicly, especially on here, anything that pertains to his method or what Caroline and I witnessed that morning. I would never do that. Neither he nor his death is a wreck on the side of the road for people to rubber neck at…as his mother and as a decent human being, I will not allow that to happen.

I wrote the 9th entry tonight since I am jacked up as a result of the side effects of Prednisone. I haven’t journaled like this since January. I couldn’t remember what I had written prior to that, so I took a peek at previous entries to recall emotions felt earlier on in my grief. I thought it might be helpful to share snippets of 4 entries on here (more will be shared later as I feel led to do so) for those who are currently in the early stages of grief and who are facing profound loss. I pray it’s a help for someone who may perhaps find inspiration and validation from my own personal journey in losing my son to suicide last summer on July 10th, 2017. The goal of this blog post, while deeply personal, is to let survivors know that they are not alone nor crazy for feeling some of the guilt associated with loss and that every emotion under the sun is OK. I promise you are not alone in how you feel.

Entry #1:   7-24-17 “I feel afraid…”

that I will never learn why exactly you decided to take your own life and/or I will learn/be able to pinpoint the reason/trigger and it will have been my fault all along- something I said or did that caused you pain, extreme sadness, unloved- I can’t bear the thought that I failed you as a mother so badly- that I missed signs that you were struggling because I was too selfish, too wrapped up in my own head and problems, too concerned with petty, stupid things that distracted me and caused my attention to pull away from you and you didn’t feel loved or appreciated by me. I feel afraid for when the numbness wears off and I realize to the full extent truly that you are gone and I have to live the rest of my earthly life without you here to share it with me- you, who was so much like me in every way- the apple of my eye- my pride and joy. I’m afraid that I won’t be a good enough mother to Caroline- that I will be lacking and she will always feel inadequate somehow because of the void you left behind. 

(This entry makes me cry because I remember so vividly the pain that I felt while writing it. We still hadn’t heard from the SLED investigator who was searching his tablet for any possible clue. We felt deeply that answers had to be on that tablet because Carter didn’t have a cell phone, and we didn’t have a computer. He had the tablet mainly to complete online assignments for school, but we were praying that there would be some indication on it why he did what he did. We just had no idea what it could have been. We tried to keep tabs on him and his usage. He was only allowed to be on it in shared spaces like the living room. He wasn’t allowed to take it upstairs due to Internet access. We thought we had our bases covered and had done our part as responsible parents to protect him. Plus, honest to God, there were ZERO signs. We desperately needed closure of some sort for all the questions raging in our minds, but I was just so afraid that I was the reason and didn’t know if I could live with myself if the answer pointed back to me).

Entry #2:  7-25-17 “Slow motion”

Everything I do today is in slow motion. I feel numb. My mind doesn’t work. I can’t make decisions. Here is what I absolutely must do…

• create spreadsheet of names, who came to the house, visitation, funeral, floral, food contributions, other good deeds, and memorial contributions
• start writing thank-you notes
• put clean laundry away
• plant memorial flowers in pots/yard
• visit Dunbar and order marker
• text Mama back

(Some of these were major things. Some were small. The point was to get it out on paper so that I could put checks beside each one as it was completed. This is only half of what I wrote. I told myself that I wasn’t moving forward onto the next journal entry until I got most of the list finished, so that gave me a goal to work towards. There is satisfaction that comes from completing tasks when everything in your world has shattered. If you have to write down things like “take a shower”, “brush my teeth”, then do that. Whatever you need to do to feel a sense of accomplishment, then do it…even as crazy and mundane as it may seem).

Entry #3:  9-11-17 “I’m very tired”

I’m very tired now. I know I need to rest because my emotions are taking over. I’ll feel better if I…

get off of social media. It just drains me and makes me upset reading ignorant comments. There’s still so much I want to do and it’s overwhelming. Hurricane Irma’s strong projected winds caused a cancellation for school, and I have spent most of the morning going through the huge stack of cards on the kitchen table trying to clear space. Decorating for fall will help bring some joy, but I can’t do it with clutter everywhere. Thankful for this day to rest and get done the things which I just haven’t had the energy to do. Getting through each day is so exhausting. My mental strength gets low when my physical strength wanes, so I need to do a better job of saying “no” and recognizing my limits. 

(Social media can be exhausting. Take breaks from time to time and just recharge. Your real friends- you know, the ones who actually speak to you when they see you out in public somewhere- will know how to contact you if there’s truly a need. You also need to take care of yourself as much as you can, which may require you to say no to things you wouldn’t have previously. If you don’t, then you’ll get run down quickly and it makes grief even that much more difficult to bear).

Entry #4: 10-9-17 “Sleepless”

When I can’t sleep, I am thinking about…you. I wake up and immediately see your sweet face in my mind’s eye. I keep a running “to-do” list in my head- constantly thinking and worrying about the needs of the day or I am re-hashing the events of the previous day. I miss you so much, buddy. I try to keep my mind busy and occupied so that I don’t dwell on my new reality without you. When I wake up and you’re on my mind I think it’s just reminding me that you’re always here. Always. 

I know you would say…to turn on the Golden Girls or Forensic Files. We used to watch a lot of those shows, didn’t we? It was our thing, and Daddy would get so frustrated with us for staying up so late, but we did it anyway. I’m sorry I started binge-watching Grey’s Anatomy this summer. I wouldn’t let you watch all the episodes with me because of the content, and I regret that knowing while I was laughing and getting caught up in a fake reality you were battling hell in your mind and researching how to end your life. I’m so very sorry, baby. 

Next time I can’t sleep I am going to…get up and watch the Golden Girls if I can-something that is light-hearted and fun. You and I both get such a kick out of Sophia. I wish I were strong enough to be spiritual and read my Bible or pray but I feel like God is real far away right now and I struggle with doing what I know I should. I didn’t do enough of those things “before” so it feels phony to do them “after” when I have failed so miserably. 

(I still struggle with reading my Bible and praying. Sin is what keeps me from it, meaning that if I have had a bad day with my temper, words, thoughts, etc. then at the end of the day I don’t feel close to God and feel like He’s disappointed in me. Why should I bother to bug Him? I don’t feel worthy to do it. I know that this is messed-up thinking and I know all the pat answers that Christians have for straightening out this thinking, but pat answers really don’t help me all that much. Someone once said that it’s hard for people to understand the love of their Heavenly Father when they haven’t experienced true love from their earthly father. I think this is probably true.

I think I would do better if I’d just get my Bible reading in and prayer time done in the morning before I have a chance to screw up too much- although cursing at the alarm clock gets me off on the wrong foot, it’s small in comparison to what often comes later on in the day. I’m just not a morning person. I know it’s just the devil’s way of making me feel defeated and worthless. I try to do what I can when I can. So when I tell someone I’m going to pray for them on social media, I do it right then. If not, I’ll forget. I take notes in church to help me remember the sermons…I have to be able to reflect on the truth for the rest of the week since I’m not doing my own Bible studies and devotions. I know it’s not enough but it’s enough for now. I’m giving my own self grace because I know that my Abba Father does and He knows all about me…the good, bad, and ALL the ugly. Yet He loves me anyway! Ain’t that crazy? I still have a hard time wrapping my head around that one).