Stinky Sponge

Many bereaved folks like myself are extremely fortunate to be recipients of such overwhelming shows of support and love in the wake of tragedies. I can’t even begin to scratch the surface of all of the acts of kindness and generosity that have been extended to our family within this last year on here. It’s so overwhelming in every good way possible. I’m literally still working on thank-you notes 11 months later, but I am determined to finish them before school starts back. I would say that I’m embarrassed that it has taken me so long, but we have been flooded with just so much goodness. The notes are coming if you haven’t received one yet…thank you for being patient. It’s important to me that each person is acknowledged for being a help and comfort. 

It was very important for me to have a record of what was being done…even in the initial days of such shock I would try to have people sign in on a little book that the funeral home left here at the house with their name and what was done/brought. I knew I would want to have that record to be able to go back and reflect. I’m a visual learner. It’s how I’m able to know up to 90 students’ names on the first day of school. It’s because a few days prior, I print out class rosters, write their names in my grade book, and write their names on index cards taped to the desks for when they enter on that first day. Looking at each name 3 times is enough for me to learn them…both first and last. It’s probably why I have a knack for learning another language. I can look at a word one time and know how to spell it/what it means. Some people can burp the alphabet. Others can tie a knot in a cherry stem using their tongue only. I just happen to be able to read stuff and learn it just by looking at it.

All that to say that even though it took me 26 pages of a spreadsheet that I created in MS Word (using a 12-point font, y’all!) to record the visits and gifts that first month, just by reading the record book and typing each entry into the computer, that person’s name and act of kindness is in my head. I won’t ever forget it. We were at Olive Garden the other night and saw two of my former students. After they greeted me and walked away, I told Joseph their names and that they attended Carter’s visitation. Even though they didn’t make it through the line that evening (after 4 hours the funeral home directors had to actually turn people away), I knew that they attended because the girl had sent me a FB message. I read it, therefore I will always remember it.

Below is the spreadsheet. I’m on page 24 of 26, and again, that’s just a record from the first month. Still have a lot to acknowledge from the other 10 months, but I’ll get there eventually.

Sometimes, though, it’s hard to be a recipient. I know the sacrifices that people have made to be a blessing, and I don’t want to be a burden on anyone. I’m really hard to give things to…it’s one reason why I don’t like celebrating my birthday. It’s close to Christmas, I know money is tight for nearly everyone, and I don’t want people to be inconvenienced. However, someone once told me when I tried to decline a gift years ago that by doing so, I “would be robbing them of a blessing” and that has always stuck with me. I know that the Lord blesses when people give out of a sincere and cheerful heart. I KNOW that…so why would I want to selfishly say no to someone’s good intentions and maybe even hurt their feelings? Nowadays, I try to be a gracious recipient and remind myself that whatever sacrifice has been made for someone to be a blessing and encouragement to me, that the LORD will not forget it and will bless that person. I can trust Him to do that.

What has helped me not to feel AS guilty this past year is to try and be a blessing each time that I receive a blessing, kind of like “paying it forward” I guess, which was a little part of my pastor’s sermon tonight. I thought I’d share on here since my own heart was encouraged and challenged by it. Maybe yours will be also.

The text was preached from Colossians Ch. 4. In verse 7 Paul writes about Tychicus being a “beloved brother”. He goes on to say that he was a “faithful minister” and “fellowservant” who would be able to “comfort your hearts” (writing to the Colossians who had been going through a tough time) in vs. 8. That’s what we all desire in a friend, right? Someone like Tychicus who shows us love and affection (beloved), someone who is faithful to us, someone who serves us when we have a need, and someone who is a comforter to us when we are hurt and/or discouraged. In order to have friends like that, we must first BE that friend. We can’t just take and take and take and not give. If we do, then we are like a sponge…always soaking in and never letting out. What happens to a sponge that just soaks up water after a few days? It gets stinky. It’s foul. It’s no good and has no purpose. It’s just puffed up and only worried about its own smelly self. It can’t scrub dishes. It’s too full of self. It can’t wipe down a counter. It’s too full of self. It can’t do anything except sit there and stagnate. Yuck.

So many people have told me that they wish they could DO something to help…that they feel helpless because what can you say or do to help a person who is going through such heartache and sorrow? I’m here to let you know that while there are certainly no magic words, just being a presence in that person’s life from time to time is enough. It truly is. We were reminded tonight of some ways to be a help and encouragement to others… that we shouldn’t be an island unto ourselves. Every person wants to be acknowledged some way in their pain. But how to do it? Preacher Griffith mentioned some great ideas at the conclusion of his message, and I’m going to add my own two cents on here as well as it pertains to my own experience in losing my son to suicide last summer.

1. Pay us a visit, but don’t stay forever. We’re tired. We’re hurting. We’re not up for entertaining, but sometimes it’s good to reminisce on past times that were full of laughter and lightness. Don’t be afraid to crack jokes during the visit. We need to laugh.
2. Food is a great help. Again, we’re tired. The last thing we want to do is to worry about what we’re going to eat. Imagine the scenario of boy and girl in a car asking each other, “Whatcha wanna eat?” “I don’t care…whatever” and it goes on and on. Everyone knows how frustrating that is. So if you know of someone who has recently experienced loss or who has fallen on hard times, try and help with a meal if possible. If cooking’s not your thing, maybe partner with another family. You can be responsible for a gallon of tea, some rolls, and a dessert (Ingles and Publix have great bakeries). Gift cards are also nice. By providing nourishment to their bodies, you are literally helping give them physical strength.
3. Cards and texts go a long way in letting people know that you are praying for them and that you care. If you’re worried about not having the right words, please don’t be. NOBODY has the right words because there aren’t any. Just a simple, “I’m thinking of you and sending all my love today” is sufficient. If you have a memory of the loved one who has passed, that’s a great time to share it! Anything to let the recipient know that you haven’t forgotten their loved one is so very important. Kids can help, too! Let your children do a coloring page or paint a picture. I have the sweetest little rainbow painting that a little girl created for Caroline probably no more than a month after Carter’s passing. It’s precious to me.
4. Send flowers. Better yet, you can gift them with a tree or special plant that they can nurture and watch grow. There’s something very therapeutic about trying to keep something alive in honor of someone who is no longer here. I have a peace lily that I have somehow managed not to kill yet along with 3 indoor plants. I’m so proud of those suckers! It’s like my own little mission to keep them alive. I don’t have a green thumb at all, but they’re hanging in there, and it makes me happy to see them thriving. Others have given us a Japanese Maple, dogwood, and eucalyptus tree. Every time we look outside at them we are reminded of Carter. One of our friends even found an honest-to-goodness flowering plant named “Carter’s Sunburst” and had a plaque engraved with the name so we can display it in the ground alongside the plant. It’s so incredibly special! If you don’t want to do live plants or flowers, perhaps you can send them an Edible Arrangement. Most everyone can appreciate choc. covered strawberries and melons shaped like flowers. Again, you’d be helping to provide physical strength in a time of need, which is pretty cool.
5. Give your time and energy. Not everyone has extra cash flow to be a blessing, but most everyone can do something to help lighten the load. Help with yardwork, help with chores, baby-sit their child for a day to let them rest, run errands, etc. If you can do hair or nails, do that. If you’re a co-worker, help them at work. Anything that can relieve some of the daily grind pressure will be a blessing. I promise that it doesn’t have to be elaborate or expensive.

As you do some of these things, remember that the person may not be timely with their expression of gratitude. Be satisfied with a verbal “thank-you” until we can do more. It’s not that we aren’t appreciative, it’s that we are overwhelmed with our loss. Please be patient with us. And if we somehow DO forget to acknowledge what you have done, try to remember that if your motives were to truly be a blessing and help, then the Lord will make sure you are rewarded. No shout-out on social media or thank-you card delivered to your mailbox can ever be as good as what the Lord has in store for those who are the hands and feet of Jesus.

Finally, I just want to let you know that my sweet boy was such a giver. He loved to encourage others. It was nothing for him to give a little note or drawing to someone. A lady who sat beside us in church still has a little scrap of paper in her Bible where he wished her a Happy Mother’s Day. Carter had a great sense of intuition and was extremely empathetic. He loved to give, and he is the force behind our efforts to do things such as #kindnessforCarter. I’m trying to keep giving because:

1. It helps honor my son’s memory and keeps him alive in my heart. As I do things, I’m purposefully thinking of him…how he would have helped, what he would have suggested, etc.
2. It relieves some of the guilt I have for being the recipient of so much.
3. It shows that I truly care and want to be a good friend.
4. It’s what the Lord wants me to do.
5. It’s how I can do my part to change the world. By taking care of my neighbor, and treating him/her like myself, I am showing love and reminding that person that they matter.

Food is how I show love. Joseph bought me a little plaque from Hobby Lobby that says “Bake the World a Better Place”. Baking is my stress-relief…I’m in control of what I bake. Baking is scientific. If you follow the recipe as outlined and have the right tools, then you’ll get a good product 9 times out of 10. So if any of you are reading this, and you’re thinking, “Well, I could go for a good slice of cake or some cookies” well, then, just let me know! I gotcha covered.

Much love to you all and thank you for every single thing you have done to help us in this valley of grief. You know who you are, and more importantly, so does the Lord. I know that Carter would want to say thank you, too, for helping to take care of his parents and sister. We are one day closer to when he’ll get to tell you in person. Until then, allow me to do so and know that our lives have been greatly blessed from each of you who has loved us so well.