Perspective

It’s 2:45 AM and it has been a few days since my last blog post. I don’t really know what I am going to write about yet. I just feel the urge to write, so that’s what I’m going to do and we’ll see what comes of it.

If you’ve been following me on social media, then you know that I have had a rough, largely unproductive week that was interrupted by a spur-of-the-moment flurry of activity on Fri. which resulted in a fairly fantastic evening. I went to bed content with a full heart and belly just to wake up the next morning barely able to move thanks to an RA flare.

For those who may not know, I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis in 2010 and began an aggressive medicine regimen which included daily steroids and NSAIDs, biologic injections, and low dose chemotherapy to suppress my immune system which had decided for no rhyme or reason that my joints were the enemy. It took 2.5 years to get me into remission. Every so often, the disease becomes active again, usually as a result of stress or fatigue. These periods are called “flares” when my immune system is launching a full throttle attack causing out of control inflammation that, if left untreated, will quickly cause joint deterioration. I’ve already had a complete left shoulder replacement and know that more surgeries are likely. There is no cure for RA, so the goal is to keep me in remission as much as possible in order to slow the disease progression.

All that to say that I have been in a lot of physical pain for the past 2 days. For someone who has struggled mentally and emotionally all week, having to endure physical pain on top of it seems so unfair. BUT I CAN’T LET MYSELF GO THERE. Now I know what I am going to write about in this blog post. This is my light bulb moment.

I have to fight pity parties on the regular. I’m grieving, I’ve been given a crap hand at a lot of things in my life, and it’s so very easy to look at things with the “glass half empty” perspective. Ooh…now I have a title.  When I have the tendency to do that, I make myself counter those thoughts with positive ones. It’s not always easy, because it takes work to do that. It’s a heck of a lot easier to have a victim mentality and to let people baby and feel sorry for me. Sometimes that kind of attention is welcome…not sure what that says about me as a person, but I don’t mind it when people pity me sometimes. It’s like if they show pity, then they are most likely going to try and help me in some way, and that relieves the burden of having to do everything for myself. It gives me a break.

But too much of that and I get lazy. Or complacent. Or just plain weak. And that is not me…that is not how I want Caroline to be, and that is not acceptable at the end of the day, so I have to fight it. I feel like all of my life I have been fighting to overcome so much. Even though it has been so very, very hard at times it truly has molded me into the woman I am now, equipped with a stubborn drive and dominant will doing everything I can in the greatest fight of all- trying not to succumb to hopelessness and despair in the aftermath of losing my son to suicide.

Speaking of overcoming and fighting- I can’t help but think of the famous Rocky Balboa scene where he lectures his son and lights a fire under his butt like only the Italian Stallion can. It’s my absolute favorite. Joseph even had the quote printed onto a poster and it’s displayed in my classroom and shared with students at the start of each semester. You can check out the 2 min. spiel  here.

It seems that tonight I am led to share with you some of the things that the devil has tried to use in my life story to drag me down. However, God has helped me to have the right perspective, and anything that He has given me is worthy to be shared because it may help someone else. It’s all about perspective, you see. My mother-in-law has a framed cross-stitch in her living room which says, “Thank You, God. I now see that thorns have roses.” Isn’t that beautiful? THORNS have ROSES. Sure, we all know that roses have thorns. How wonderful, though, to see it from a viewpoint that those ugly thorns are so fortunate to be part of such beauty found in perfect, sweet-smelling roses.

Listed below are 5 illustrations of how my negative thoughts have been turned into positive ones- I pray that it helps someone reading to know that whatever adversity comes your way, greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world. God’s got you.

1. Thorn: My parents were both hardcore drug addicts my entire life.

Rose: Yes, but I hated drugs so much that I never had the urge to try them in high school or college. I helped roll blunts for my dad sitting at the coffee table while he snickered and laughed at the sight. I called them “plain white cigarettes” and was all of 4-5 years old. Pretty disgusting, huh? But it led me to hate pot. I can’t stand the smell of it and I recognized early on that it is a gateway drug for many and I wanted no part of it. Therefore, my parents’ bad choices may very well have saved me from going down a dark and miserable road. Even now, I am careful. I know that addictive personalities are in my genes, and it grounds me and helps to keep me focused.

2. Thorn: I came from a broken home.

Rose: It helped me to know my worth and to settle for nothing less than I deserved. I saw men who were in and out of my Mama’s life… ones who drank, knocked her into walls, smacked her around, cussed at her. I knew real fear because of them. I swore to myself that NO MAN would do that to me. I also saw the trashy women who were a constant presence in my Daddy’s life…my own stepmom was a stripper. She was legit, too- even came with a rose tattoo on her butt. Yet again, I knew by THEIR pitiful choices what wasn’t good for me, so I simply chose the exact opposite and did my best to steer clear of losers growing up. Now I am married to an absolute gold mine of a man who treats me like a queen and shows me respect. Maybe I wouldn’t have demanded that respect if I hadn’t seen the opposite of it in my formative years.

3) Thorn: I moved around at least 18 times that I can recall during childhood and adolescence due to my folks’ inability to stay clean, keep jobs, and pay rent.

Rose: When the drugs and our resulting nomadic lifestyle were too much to ignore, the courts granted my Nana the right to become my legal guardian. Since I sometimes accompanied my mom to crack houses, shady doctors, and was often left by myself to fend for myself, there’s no telling what my future would have looked like had the situation not gotten so bad that my Nana finally saw enough and did what was necessary to remove me from it. It wasn’t easy for her…she worked two jobs to provide for me, but so much of who I am is a result of her influence in my life.

4) Thorn: I have an incurable disease.

Rose: I have this disease in the 21st century when medicines are advancing each year and there is help for it. I could have had it back in the not-so-distant past when it was referred to as “crippling arthritis” and joints were so grossly deformed that a wheelchair was inevitable and nothing could bring relief except for booze and whatever herbs could be ground up. I’m able to walk normally and function normally about 80% of the time. The 20% of the time that  is bad is really bad, but thankfully relief comes in the form of pain medication and surgery if absolutely necessary. Artificial joints weren’t possible 100 years ago. Now I have one, and it’s pretty awesome.

5) Thorn: I lost my son to suicide.

Rose: I had a son for 12 years. His name was Joseph Carter Robinson, and he was the absolute best. Out of all the women on the face of the earth, the Lord saw fit to grant ME the honor of carrying this precious life inside for 9 months and then giving me the privilege to nurture and help raise him for 4,570 days full of nothing but peace, joy, and love. And I will see him again thanks to the Rose of Sharon whose name is Jesus. Thank You, God.