Keeping in mind the need to limit my social media this year, I briefly hopped on FB yesterday just to scroll a little as I waited on my husband to come home from work. In doing so, I opened myself up to unexpected hurt as memory posts pertaining to Carter popped up that caused me to spiral. I later went on to post that it was why social media can be harmful to my mental health. I hate seeing things that cause such sorrow when I’m having a decent day and things are relatively smooth sailing. When I get in a bad place, I can’t snap out of it, so I’m blogging today to explain how it happens, my reactions, and how I’ve learned to cope so that others who are walking this road can possibly relate and share their own coping strategies in the comments.
Yesterday was a busy day, but as usual, busy works for me. I don’t have time to sit and stew in emotions when I’m going 100 mph. This week I had morning duty, so I was out of my house at 6:40 AM. After dropping Carsen off with his Nana (he has recently started calling her Nina the Babysitter which cracks us up), I walked Carlen to the cafeteria and monitored the restrooms on our high school hallway until the morning bell rang for classes to start. I taught some Spanish and checked emails (the previous day was E-Learning for us due to a wintry mix of snow- we live in the South which means we shut down for that stuff), and I soon realized that I had forgotten we were celebrating a baby shower after school for one of our nurses. As soon as planning period started, I scooted over to the DG and got some things that I noticed she had put on her Amazon registry. You can always tell a first-time Mama by the diapers she requests. This one wanted some Huggies. She’ll undoubtedly come to realize that Luvs are the GOAT, but hey- you live and learn. After the baby shower, I picked up Carsen, and we headed back home for me to start on a gourmet dinner consisting of cans of Wendy’s chili (now available at your local Sam’s Club- you’re welcome!), saltine crackers, and grilled cheese sandwiches because the crackers weren’t enough carbs…gotta maintain my winter bod, after all.
Feeling like a good Mama and wifey, I decided to treat myself to a little sit and scroll sesh, and that’s when a tsunami of emotions hit me that turned my day upside-down. The first post was a Then and Now with a picture from Jan. 2016 of Carter. It’s also one of my featured photos at the top of my profile because it represents so many things. He’s standing in the bleachers at Wofford College before going out on the basketball court with students from Honors Chorus to sing the national anthem. He’s wearing his Student Council T-shirt, and he’s beaming with a smile that makes his dimples shine and eyes sparkle. Just realized I wrote all of those sentences in the present tense. Wow. Okay. That was the Then photo, and FB wanted me to post the Now photo to compare 9 years later.
Talk about a sucker punch to the freakin’ gut, man.
I was determined to press on. “Silly rabbit, don’t you know Trix are for kids?” Sorry, I digress. After another minute or so, I came across a memory post from 15 years ago- this one was me writing about Carter’s upcoming 5th birthday, how I was looking forward to seeing him grow up, and how blessed I was to be his Mama.
Gulp.
Swallow.
That was when I started having a physiological reaction to what I was reading. My heartbeat quickened, and I had a flight response. I just wanted to go. Leave. Shut off my phone and get in my car and drive away. However, I was rooted to my chair while blankly staring at the clock realizing that my husband was due home in less than 20 mins. and I knew, I already KNEW that it was going to be a bad evening. I wasn’t going to be able to turn it around. The switch had flipped. I can hide my emotions to some degree, but I can’t ever fix my face. I have RBF even on a good day, but when it’s a bad day, you can see it all over me. Sure enough, hubby came home and within minutes asked me why I looked so blue. I told him that it was a blue day, and he left it at that. In the past, he would have pressed me for answers. Now I think he just knows it’s best to leave me alone.
However, a tsunami isn’t content to just throw you off your feet with its intense arrival. It has to keep going to drag you under, and that’s what happened. Joseph did all the things he was supposed to do, but I was not having any of it. I knew that the best solution was for me to just go to sleep which is what I did. I pulled up the Bible app on my phone and listened to the audio narration of the chapter in Ezekiel I was stubbornly trying to plow through. It’s a prophetic book, and even if there was a thing called “Bible for Dummies” this cat would still be clueless. So, needless to say, the strong metaphors, figurative language, and King James 1611 wording promptly put me to sleep within minutes. “Sorry, Lord. My bad.”
OK, so what’s the lesson here? What have I learned in the course of 7.5 years walking this road?
- Triggers are real and unavoidable.
- The flight response is ingrained to protect me.
- My husband isn’t a mind-reader.
- Grief is tiresome.
- Tomorrow is a new day. That one saying still grates on my nerves, but it’s true.
While last night was tough and hard, I have made some progress from where I was initially dealing with these situations. Here’s the thing about triggers. Even if I hadn’t been on FB, I could have still been triggered by something on TV, a billboard, a smell, a former classmate of his, etc. I’m still living and breathing which means I’m going to have to navigate triggers in a world that keeps spinning. I’m not packaged in bubble-wrap, and I don’t want people to be afraid to talk around me for fear of saying the wrong thing. When triggers come, I have to let myself just feel what I feel which is what I did, and then I shared those feelings in a FB post. Look at me putting on big-girl pants and talking about emotions. The irony isn’t lost on me that I let the FB world know through my writing what I couldn’t articulate in words to my own husband. Ugh…still have work to do, especially in light of my last post where that’s supposed to be my “In” for 2025.
While I couldn’t physically leave my house at the time due to the littles being with me and my husband on his way home, I immediately wanted to fully deactivate my FB as a flight response… just make it all disappear so I wouldn’t hurt like that anymore. However, I didn’t deactivate and the first comment someone posted was that while a painful memory had popped up, it was also the place for precious memories, and how true that is. Social media is also a place where I get supported. I had 49 comments stream in, most from people I don’t interact with daily, but they showed up online to remind me that they’re praying and that they love me. I desperately need those reminders on the hard days. A few texted me separately which meant a lot, too. I certainly don’t post for the likes, emojis, or what not. I’m not attention-seeking, but I am still grieving and recognize that I can’t walk this road alone.
While my husband knew that something was wrong, he didn’t know the specifics, and talking wasn’t going to “fix it.” It would just make me cry, and I was trying so damn hard to just keep it together. You can’t fix everything that is broken. Sometimes you just need a break from the brokenness, and that’s what sleep afforded me. My mind and body could only handle so much. Rest is the body’s way to heal and repair, so I embraced it and trusted that tomorrow would be a new day with another chance to right some wrongs and do better than the day before.
This morning, I woke up refreshed without pressing Snooze and had time to make and eat my breakfast while seated at the kitchen island. I did my makeup at the bathroom vanity instead of in my car. I stepped on the scale and didn’t even flinch at the number. That’s what I got for the carbs last night! “You get what you get, and you don’t pitch a fit” applies just as much to me as it does for my students. I went on to work and taught some Spanish, encouraged some struggling students, and brought Carlen home after lunch because she was displaying some symptoms of sickness. I returned to school and knocked out some work so I wouldn’t have to bring my laptop home over the weekend, and I came home to write this post. Now we’re heading out to eat (I can’t be bothered to make gourmet dinners two days in a row, people), and we will settle in tonight in a much better head space, Lord willing. All that to say that today was a better, brighter day. The sun even came out to give us a respite from the gray clouds.
Two songs played on the radio that encouraged me- both by Toby Mac, one of my favorite artists. One was “Faithfully” on the way to school, and the other was “Promised Land” on the way home- little bookends to remind me that God’s got me.
I heard these lyrics to start my day:
In my darkest hour, You met me
So quietly, so gently
You said You'd never leave
And You stood by Your word (Your word, Lord)
So quietly, so gently
In all my pain, You met me
You said You'd never leave
And You stood by Your word
'Cause when my world broke into pieces, You were there faithfully
When I cried out to You, Jesus, You made a way for me
I may never be the same man
But I'm a man who still believes
When I cried out to You, Jesus, You were there faithfully
Then I heard these lyrics:
I won't give up on this race
Broken but I still have faith
That this old life is all part of a plan
And I can feel it in my soul
One day I'll stand before the Throne
With nothin' left but hope and these two hands
Through all these seasons
I'm still believin'
You're my promised land
In all my grievin'
I'm still believin'
You're my promised land
Thank You, Jesus. Thank You for Your faithfulness and goodness to me. Thank You for the promise of heaven. Thank You for hope. Please strengthen all of us who are weak from grief and desperate for light in the darkness. You are that Light, Lord. Help us to feel You and know You when the doubts, distractions, and demons take root. We’re nothing without You, Lord. You alone are our ever-present help and strength through these storms of life. Help us get the victory, Lord. In Jesus’s Name, Amen.
Love, Loss, and Blue Butterflies 