A recent trend on social media has been sharing notes of “Ins and Outs” which are lists of goals with things you want to prioritize and keep vs. things you want to discard. One post really grabbed my attention as it pertained to ins and outs separated by personality types. Have you ever taken a personality assessment? There are several popular ones out there such as the Meyers-Briggs and the Enneagram. I’ve tried linking both in case you’re interested in finding out more, but if these links aren’t working, a simple Google search should bring them up. Now don’t come at me with hate because I have mentioned the enneagram. It has come under fire by many Christians over the years, and to be fully transparent, there may be validity to those criticisms. I’ve never cared enough to go down that rabbit hole of researching its origins. I mainly use it for humor since the page that I follow on IG posts funny reels and memes according to each enneagram personality type, and mine are always spot-on as a Type 9 Wing 1 which leads me to the subject of today’s post.
If you’re on IG and want to know the page that I’m referencing today, the handle is “enneagramwithabbey”. After reading her recent post with a list of Ins and Outs for Type 9, I had an “ah-hah” moment for a hot minute- so much so that I took a screenshot to reflect on her suggestions since we rang in a new year nearly 3 weeks ago. This is the perfect time to do some “weeding out” of what is no longer serving us / filling our cups. Many of you may be like me with an aim to be more intentional by choosing what benefits us in order to see positive changes this year.
My vision for this blog in 2025 is to share what is helping me as I move forward in this grief journey after losing my son to suicide in 2017. Some of that will be more secular in nature as I share things like today’s post. Some posts will be more spiritual with me sharing sermon notes and devotions; yet others will be verbal vomit as I get in the feelings that are so hard to process. Those posts may be teary love letters to heaven to my son or angry rants because I’ve had it up to HERE with people and situations that I can’t control, and it’s either write or act on my feelings and go to jail. Regardless of the nature of each post, I don’t want to be selfish in my writing. Sure, it’s a lot of “me” and “I” statements, but my hope is that you see a lot of “you”, “us”, and “we” as well. How can what I write be applied to your life? After all, what I’m doing on here doesn’t hold much value if it isn’t helping anyone but myself. If that were the case, I’d just write in a diary and keep it on my bedside table. I put myself out here online with the prayer that it connects and resonates with others, and this post is no exception.
Okay, so let’s get to it. Once you know your personality type and enneagram, you will start to notice why it is you act the way you do and think the way you think. It’s fascinating, honestly, and it can be very eye-opening. As an ISFJ personality type according to the Meyers-Briggs assessment, I’m regarded as a “protector/defender” along with about 9-14% of the rest of the population. My traits include being warm and kind, supportive and loyal, introverted, people-focused with a strong desire to serve others, and possessing practical and artistic abilities. While I can’t draw, I love creating things like scrapbooks, and I enjoy interior design to some degree.
The enneagram has me labeled as a type 9 known as “the peacemaker”. The analysis report states that I’m someone others come to when dealing with an issue because I try my best to offer an objective and unbiased perspective, but it’s hard for me to be decisive as I see gray areas in nearly everything. I find myself suffering side effects of toxic empathy like exhaustion and anxiety because I’m always trying to help even when I don’t have the means or mental fortitude to deal with a situation. It’s important that I set boundaries regarding the number and intensity of issues I handle in order to preserve mental energy. When I get overwhelmed, I shut down…like, completely and become irrationally emotional. It’s not a pretty picture. I’m also an intuitive thinker who often follows my gut, but this can hinder effective decision-making as I lead with my emotions. Knowing these things about me makes the following “Ins and Outs” list for 2025 make perfect sense. Check it out and maybe some of these resonate with you also!
Ins
Making ME a priority
“No”
Speaking up at work
Healthy routines
Writing down what I’m grateful for
Clearly stating what I want and need
Saying how I feel the second I feel a hint of anger
Investing in a creative hobby
Frolicking in nature
As a chronic people-pleaser, it is not natural to make myself a priority or to say no, but I’m getting better. I started advocating for my time and energy last year, and I saw how it paid off. The world didn’t stop spinning because I set those boundaries. I made lists that I wanted to accomplish and focused on just a few items to cross off each day that I could do myself, and other items I learned to delegate to others. Boy, that was hard giving up control because I’m also a perfectionist, but again, I’ve realized that I have to protect my mental health, and the overwhelm is real when I take on too much. The “speaking up at work” is probably what I’m most proud of and want to continue in 2025. Several times I have let people know that a decision wasn’t working for me, and after I explained why it wasn’t working and that I wouldn’t be doing X,Y, or Z that I was asked to do, they acquiesced, and it went back to business as usual. In doing so, I managed to tick off a few and got unfriended on Facebook, but hey…you win some, you lose some…no skin off my back, and I didn’t like them anyway if I’m being honest. I have also learned to leave work at work. No longer do I drag a teacher tote to the kitchen table and spend time outside of contract hours grading, planning lessons, and responding to emails. That’s what a planning period is for, and if it can’t get done in a planning period, it just gets moved to the next day. It helps that my principal doesn’t regularly schedule pointless meetings which take up my planning period, nor does he require me to submit formal lesson plans. I post everything in my Google Classroom for my admin., students, and parents to view, so if anyone wants to know what is happening, it’s easily accessible.
Healthy routines are hard for me, but I know when they are in place, I thrive. My days are pretty structured but it’s easy to get off track, too. This year I need to stick to the blocks of time I have devoted to my tasks and try not to get derailed. My husband swears I have undiagnosed ADD or ADHD, and maybe there’s something to that. For instance, he’s witnessed me trying to clean one area of the house which inevitably leads to 100 other things I decide need my immediate attention more times than he can count over the years. Then nothing really gets satisfactorily accomplished, and I get super irritable or want to just give up because I don’t know how to see a task to completion on a realistic timeframe. I’ll either hyper-focus or avoid it altogether. Most things DO get done because I’m stubborn and driven, but the added anxiety and stress come because I procrastinate or let distractions interfere. It’s nearly impossible for me to “make the main thing the main thing” because everything is the main thing in my mind, lol.
Writing down what I’m grateful for should be fairly easy- I can do that in a journal or on sticky-notes. I was intentional about this back in November and made daily posts on Facebook which I believe will be nice to look back and read when those memory posts pop up in the future. Because we can’t see the bigger picture sometimes, the little things along the way that we may take for granted take on greater significance when we are able to look on the other side of a trial or situation further on down the road. Also, many things I have today are things I have prayed for in my past, so having a spirit of gratitude and being reflective really is important to see how the Lord continues to bless and provide.
Clearly stating what I want or need…ouch. That one is not going to be easy. I’m passive-aggressive when it comes to articulating those things as words are not easy for me. “But wait!” you may be thinking. “You write blog posts that are more like book chapters Tolstoy would be proud of- how are words not easy for you?” What I mean is that STATING those wants or needs is hard. I can write them all day long. It’s the interacting with another person that requires me to verbalize those things that I find difficult. It’s weird, I know. Saying how I feel the second I feel a hint of anger is another “In” for this year, and it goes along with clearly stating my needs/wants. When those aren’t being met, instead of letting myself become passive-aggressive and holding onto that resentment or bitterness, I need to say what I’m feeling which is going to be hard. It’s so uncomfortable to admit when someone has hurt my feelings, or I feel slighted. I also become resentful when I wind up taking on too much, and others are out there living their best, carefree lives. I can go from 0 to 60 in a minute when I’m feeling like a doormat and people are taking advantage of me which happens more often that I’d like to admit. I’m too nice, and that leads to people equating that with weakness and passivity.
Investing in a creative hobby is basically already a done deal as I pay to have this blog online and it affords me the chance to express myself freely. I’d like to pick back up with piano, too, at some point even though the inflammatory arthritis I was diagnosed with causes issues with small joints, and my fingers stay swollen. I took formal lessons for 5 years in elementary school and became quite accomplished with classical compositions but never was able to play by ear. That’s what I’d like to learn how to do eventually. Carlen seems musically inclined like Carter was, so I can envision having a piano once again in our home, and perhaps we can learn together.
“Frolicking in nature” has me giggling, and if you know me in real life, you’re probably shaking your head there, too. Remember, though, that these are goals for this year, and while it may not be something I particularly want to do, it’s something that would benefit me. I know that when I force myself to go outside, I usually feel good afterwards. It’s just getting out there that’s the problem. My idea of a perfect day is a thunderstorm raging with sheets of rain making a staccato symphony on the roof and me on the couch snuggled under a fuzzy blanket. I have a phone in my hand reading a book while some show on Discovery ID is playing. There’s a warm fire crackling and a lit candle on the coffee table. The scent of cookies baking in the oven is wafting through the air, and my calendar is cleared for the day with no obligations to anyone. Nowhere on that perfect day would you find me outside, so this year I will make little goals to exercise a few days a week and force myself to go beyond the walls of my home to touch the dang grass.
Outs
Couch rot
People pleasing
Being chronically online
Believing my voice doesn’t matter
Guilt for having boundaries
Not getting enough sleep
Letting resentment fester
Following when I should be leading
“Couch rot” is real, you guys. It’s my favorite place in the house besides my bed. I crave rest and suffer from chronic fatigue anyway due to RA. However, I’ve always been this way. I remember playing with my childhood best friend at her house and often suggesting that we play pretend by going to sleep. She’d close her eyes for 10 seconds and bounce back up ready to watch Jem and the Holograms or play Super Mario on her Nintendo. All I wanted to do was to take a nap. THAT was my idea of a fun time! The red blood cells that were supposed to carry oxygen to my cells must have been a little slow. Maybe they were hindered by fat cells due to a steady diet of hot dogs, candy cigarettes, and potato chips, lol.
Being chronically online is definitely a hindrance to accomplishing tasks, and it has a negative effect on my mental health, so I get why it’s an “Out” for 2025. I really don’t even need to be present on social media. However, I miss seeing the memories that pop up when I deactivate for long periods, and I feel disconnected because I don’t make regular phone calls to friends or get together with them in person. Scrolling tells me most of what I need to know and then more for the crazies I keep on my friends list because it’s better than any Jerry Springer episode. Therefore, I have made the decision to limit my social media presence this year rather than omitting it cold turkey. So far it is working.
Believing my voice doesn’t matter is definitely an “out” for 2025 which ties in with me following instead of leading. I know in my head that I bring a lot to the table with my intelligence, capabilities, and God-given traits. Too many times, though, I stay silent because I lack self-confidence. I often defer to people that are more outspoken but who are often short-sighted with less than stellar credentials. This needs to change, and I need to remind myself that I deserve to be at the table with them to share ideas and create solutions. If I don’t agree, then I should articulate that. I’ve always wanted to just go along to get along in an effort to avoid conflict or confrontation. When you grow up in an environment heavily laced with drug abuse, domestic violence, and sexual immorality, you learn to make yourself small so that unwanted attention doesn’t get diverted to you. I’m an adult now. It’s time to put away those childhood fears. I’m safe, because I’ve worked hard to create that for myself. I should enjoy the fruits of that labor with the knowledge that I don’t have to make myself small for others to feel big, and that people-pleasing is just a symptom of my inner child wanting love and acceptance. I already have that by the ones that matter.
I think I’m getting better with releasing guilt for setting boundaries. When I first started saying no and standing up for myself and for my family, it felt uncomfortable, and I second-guessed my decisions constantly. Would that person sever ties with me? Was I messing my children up? Would everyone talk about me behind my back? At the end of the day, I just had to let go of those thoughts, and I learned to go about my days unbothered by the questions with no answers. I still have those thoughts which creep in from time to time, but I’ve decided that people are going to talk regardless of what I do, because that’s what small-minded people do- they talk about people instead of ideas. Setting healthy boundaries, especially with my time, will always tick off the ones who are taking advantage, so it’s fine if they don’t come around as much. It’s a win for me.
So, there you have it- my “ins and outs” for this year. I’m excited for what the future holds and am looking forward to cultivating a life that is full of peace with a spirit of gratitude. Thanks in advance for the encouragement along the way. We’re in this together! I’m curious to learn about your personality results, too, so feel free to leave a comment here or on social media. 😘
I’m leaving you with a pic of my sweet Carterbug at a NYE event in 2016 and one of Joseph and me with faces so young and carefree- not yet marked with such sadness and sorrow. All of our eyes were bright with hope and happiness not imagining that our worst nightmare would come true that year. As I snapped the photo of Carter’s precious face beaming with joy, the words to May We All by Florida Georgia Line blasted through the speakers as midnight crowds danced in the street, and we rang in the new year together.
We don’t know what the future holds for us this year, friends. May we all do our best to hold on tight to our faith, our family, and our freedoms while trusting that the Lord will make all things good and right one sweet day.
May we all do a little bit better than the first time
Learn a little somethin’ from the worst times
Get a little stronger from the hurt times-Florida Georgia Line
Love, Loss, and Blue Butterflies 