Excess

I haven’t done much of anything all summer… I’ve really just been the laziest I remember ever being, and I’ve told myself repeatedly that it’s OK for the most part. Carter passed away last July and I was back to work four weeks later. From that point on it was balls to the wall until the end of May. I figured I had earned the right to do nothing once June arrived. However, now that July is here I am feeling that teacher-y urge to start preparing for the new school year, but I still haven’t fully cleaned out my old classroom, and I have yet to be told what exactly I’ll be teaching at my new school. I know the location of my new room, but I haven’t picked up my keys. Normally I would be excited about creating a fun and welcoming environment for my students, but I can’t seem to muster up any enthusiasm…I just feel so blah. The urge to get started is there, but the will to actually get my fanny in motion is absent.

While Caroline is at camp this week, Joseph and I are taking off to Savannah and spending a few days and nights just the two of us (don’t worry- I have someone staying at our house). My only chore before we leave in the morning is to get the laundry folded and put away. Joseph has done all the rest…washed dishes, put them away, vacuumed, did the yard work, etc. When I say that I have done nothing so far this summer, that’s what I meant. He hasn’t pressured me to do anything or made any snide remarks about the state of the house, which I appreciate. If it hadn’t been for him keeping things under control this summer, our house would have looked like a lost episode of Hoarders. I really am thankful for all that he does for us. Because he’s so good, it makes me feel guilty when I’m slacking, but he just kisses me and tells me to rest and not worry about it. God really did break the mold when he made him.

He fusses at me when I attempt to clean because I get so distracted. I’ll start cleaning the kitchen island of clutter and next thing you know, I’ve got the junk drawers pulled out and have made it a mission to clean those, too. It’s never a matter of just putting something away…I somehow manage to find a little side project that winds up consuming so much effort and time that the original task doesn’t get completed and I’m back to square one with color-sorted paper clips and an alphabetized spice rack to mock me.

Tonight he texted me from work and asked how I was doing. I told him that I was overwhelmed. All I had to do was put away clean laundry but I kept looking around getting frustrated with so much excess. Paper everywhere, clothes that no longer fit and needed to be consigned, hair in the most random spots (I shed hair worse than the dog, I swear), scuffs on the walls, baseboards that needed to be cleaned, and just crap everywhere in general. I notice details that he can just glaze over. I wish I could be more like him and focus on what needs to be done without getting sidetracked. It’s so frustrating.

When you’re in a state of grief, everything seems heavy. Everything seems overwhelming, so it’s important that I alleviate as much of the burden as possible so I can focus on what truly needs attention. I am going to try and purge as much as I can and adopt a more minimalist approach. Why do I need 4 whisks in the kitchen drawer? Who needs 8 9×13 glass pans? How many pens and pencils are necessary for a standard home office? If I haven’t worn an outfit in the last 6 months, I’m not going to wear it, so why keep it? All of this excess is not necessary, and quite frankly, it’s embarrassing. Most of you would come in my house and probably not notice anything out of the ordinary. You’d probably compliment my taste in decor and tell me how warm and cozy it is…how the colors pop and how inviting it appears. While that may be true because I have worked hard to make it that way, it still doesn’t negate the fact that for me, when I look around, I just see so much that is unnecessary, and it weighs on me.

It’s like I have allowed some of my blessings to become a burden. That sounds horrible, doesn’t it? I think as a culture we get caught up in a more, more, more mentality. A prime example for me is LulaRoe clothing. Someone gave me a dress to wear during Carter’s visitation last year and it was the most comfortable thing I’d ever worn. Better yet, there were no zippers or buttons, it was made of cotton, and it was modest. I made it a mission to find more. Then I branched out and discovered more styles. My whole closet is pretty much LLR now. Tonight I found myself scrolling FB looking for another “steal of a deal” and I just had to stop and ask myself, “Kesha, what are you DOING?” How many dresses and skirts do you need? Why are you looking at leggings? It’s JULY in the SOUTH, for crying out loud!” I then proceeded to unfollow the page that had all the tempting items and tried to focus on doing something productive like putting away clothing instead of buying more to complain about.

This is a weakness in myself that I need to address. I want to be satisfied with what I have. I think I am for the most part. Truly. It’s just that, for me, I think a lot of what I do and purchase is either mindless or out of habit. I’m not very good at being intentional with my actions. I don’t want my life to be consumed with stuff, so I need to do some things to change it.

The first step in realizing you have a problem is to admit it, so I guess that’s what I’m doing on here. This is kind of like a “Kesha is a Mess and Needs to be Saved from Herself” kind of post. Carter, bless his heart, was just like me. He kept everything…never knew when he might need it again, so he wouldn’t throw stuff away. His room was always like a mini tornado. He was so creative and always working on little projects that I tried to just ignore it and let him do his thing. Every once in awhile I’d go in with a trash bag and we’d purge and sort and organize and get everything tidy. It’d maybe last 3 days, but those 3 days sure did feel good! I often told him that he’d better make sure that whatever job he wound up choosing paid well enough for him to afford a maid, because this Mama wouldn’t always be around to pick up all his mess.

I haven’t changed anything about his room since his passing. I go up there and dig through his photo albums periodically, and sometimes I’ll just open the door and peek in and simply breathe in as deeply as I can. You see, his room now has a distinctive smell that I never knew it had until after he was gone. It’s not a bad smell…it’s just different from any other room, so when I make the trek up the stairs and open his door, the smell that is just his room hits my nostrils and it makes me miss him so much. I miss that he’s not up there making more messes. I just miss everything about him.

One of the journal entries from the Angel Catcher grief journal pertains to what I wanted to do with Carter’s things. I thought I would share it on here since I’m writing about stuff and this relates to his belongings. I wrote it on New Year’s Day as I tried to make resolutions to be more organized and to get things done that I had been putting off.

1-1-18: “Special…”

It’s hard for me to deal with the things you left behind. I want to keep track of who has what. As a memento, I would like to save

1. your T-shirts. I’d like to have them made into a quilt if at all possible.
2. your drawings
3. Red Spot and Elmo- I’m so glad Daddy insisted that we keep your beloved blanket and not bury him with you.
4. your special stuffed animals
5. your Lego sets 
6. your favorite DVDs and books
7. your Under Armour polos and hoodies, your Nike tennis shoes
8. Thomas the Train figures

And give away

1. some of your artwork to special loved ones
2. some of your suits
3. your beautiful violin in the red case you adored 

Just reading this entry and transferring it on the blog tonight has me feeling much better and accomplished. I mean, Joseph and I have managed to already do what some bereaved folks never do (or it takes them a long time to get to the place where they can), and that is to deal with the belongings of our loved one. Joseph had Carter’s T-shirts made into a quilt for me for Mother’s Day and the backs were used to make a quilt for Caroline also.

We gave some of Carter’s artwork as birthday and Christmas presents. The painting at the top was on display at the Chapman Cultural Center and we had it professionally matted and framed for his Papa’s birthday gift in Nov.

During Carter’s birthday celebration at the house back in Feb. we took several of his close friends upstairs and allowed them to choose one of Carter’s Under Armour shirts. His girlfriend and her cousin proudly wore them to school the next day before finding a special place to keep them. The young lady in orange had written a memory of him wearing that particular shirt on a birthday poster students signed in the cafeteria earlier that day. We hadn’t read the poster yet before taking them upstairs to his room, so as soon as she saw that shirt and realized we were offering it to her, she burst into tears and just clutched it to her chest. We could see that it was precious to her, but we didn’t realize why until we read what she had written about that being one of her favorite memories of him later on that night.

We gave his violin to one of his best friends in school who has had a hard time with his passing. The orchestra teacher told me that sometimes after playing certain songs and commenting how Carter would have loved them that this particular student would often get emotional and they would just hug and shed tears together once class was over. Joseph and I felt strongly that the violin should go to him, because he would treasure it and make beautiful music with it. It’s what Carter would have wanted. The picture below is when we gave it to him two days before Christmas. It was such a bittersweet moment letting go of something that was so special to our boy.

So, while I am frustrated with how far I need to go in getting my life together, I have to stop and remind myself of how much I’ve done. It took courage to do some of the things mentioned above, and I’m proud of myself for being able to do those things, and I’m proud of Joseph, too. He’s so strong. So very supportive.

As I went around the house tonight kind of stomping my feet and pitching a hissy fit in my head at the state of clutter I find myself in, I told myself that under no circumstances would I get so frustrated that I failed to remember that it’s because the house is LIVED IN that it has clutter. It’s a HOME. PEOPLE who are PRECIOUS to me live here. It’s not a museum. So I kept telling myself that until I calmed down enough to get the laundry put away.

Yes, I need to actually clean my house, not just straighten it. Hair in the fridge is incomprehensible, because I don’t know how it even gets there. The kitchen drawers and cabinets are a mess, but I can get rid of extra items soon. Closets can be cleared and donations given to Goodwill in a week or so. Consignment will get done by August. Classrooms will get taken care of out of necessity, so there’s that. In the meantime, I just have to recognize the difference between what I need vs. what I want, and hopefully a lot of the excess that I find myself surrounded in will lessen and I can be freed from some of its weight.

Philippians 4:11- “Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.”

Challenge accepted, Lord.